I will always love my wife. I have a movie roll going in my head of the good times we had and just wish, hope and pray we can get back there.
It just seems that everything I says causes a fight. One time she spent the entire day telling me all my faults. She even said I was possessed by the devil.
I do not want to hurt her anymore. When I speak I cause her pain.
I never see myself with another person but I just cannot hurt her anymore. The longer I stayed in the house...and the more we talked...the more I upset her.
And then I lash out.
I am so sorry that I let her down. I am no better than the other people in her life. I just do not want to hurt her anymore.
I have not learned to be the husband she needed me to be and I am afraid I never will.
I truly want her to be free and happy. I don't want to be the person causing her problems.
I somehow put us in a terrible cycle but I have never learned how to stop the cycle.
I am giving her the majority of the assets so she can have security and build a future life without being in the terrible cycle I could not get us out of.
If I knew how to get us out of the cycle I would. But I cannot and I don't want to continue causing her pain.
She once described me as a monster and even a psycho path. She once said I enjoyed the chaos I caused. But I swear I do not want to be a monster or a psycho. I do not want to cause chaos.
To continually cause her pain and agony is wrong.
This is why I am trying to leave my wife with as much of the assets as possible--so she can build a new life without me causing her pain.
She told me when she divorced her second husband she was forced to pay his bills. But she wanted to get away from him so it was worth the money.
The idea of spending the rest of my life alone is not very appealing. But in comparison to causing her pain, causing her to lash, and then me lashing back...it seems kinder.
I do not claim to be noble or even the perfect victim.
I would describe me as an individual that failed at a marriage - the definition of unsuccessful.
But I would also describe me as a man that saw one thing he could do - quit hurting my spouse.
I may not be bright enough to learn how to be a good husband but if I am not a good husband then at least I will not be causing her anymore pain.
At least I can give her a chance for a better life.
My wife said I was a terrible husband toward the end. I do not want to be a terrible husband but I cannot learn how not to be terrible.
If I knew how to not be terrible I would be the perfect husband for her.
