Feels like an eternity (Mindsin - part. 3)

[25yearsmlc]

I am certainly not intentionally undoing the DB work. You're right -- each time I contact her is a step backwards. But I'm caught in a bind a lot of times. I don't want to "go dark" on her. One of the major complaints she had about me in our marriage was the fact that I "clam up" and "shut down". I never share my thoughts and feelings with her. Even now, she hints to me that she wants me to open up to her. It's hard finding that balance. I struggle with it every day.
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She did cry in front of me the 1st time she found out. Yes, I did tell her I wouldn't do it again and I did blame her for not meeting my needs. It never really resolved any of the times. We never fixed it.

Look at your wording here^^^..."She did cry"...."WE NEVER FIXED IT"....and "Yes I did blame HER for not meeting MY needs"..."IT never really resolved any..."

There is nothing in there saying that YOU wronged her and YOU did not resolve it or fix it. You blamed HER for YOUR actions, and then you lumped her in with you, for not resolving it, as if you Both were supposed to stop You from cheating...

see a pattern?

We simply let time pass YOU simply let time pass and hoped she wouldn't leave you.


and just didn't really talk about it. We were both so focused on raising our children. It seemed secondary. Obviously, that was the wrong approach.

Mindskin, I doubt VERY seriously that it "Seemed secondary" to HER. I mean, Notice how that^^ comment lets YOU off really lightly. Maybe if she had cracked down earlier you might not have killed so much of what she felt.

Dang, I do feel badly for you b/c I think this woman really loved you & you probably loved her a lot too. I do worry that you put her thru he11 and I hope very much that her love for the kids will lead her to want to repair things with you.

But you're not in much of a position to throw that in her face, b/c you really did a number on her...well, we can try to go "from this day forward" like the vows say. Just don't let your recall be too self serving again, or she'll really flee into OMs arms.

The OM went back to live with his wife at least for that week when I was away. I don't know if it's temporary. I don't know if he's still there or not. I have no additional knowledge of their situation at this point.

--- until you KNOW, at least admit you are assuming. Meanwhile, what are you doing to become the better catch?

Tell me how you treat her and why she'd choose you over OM, as you are today.

I think I treat her well.

You might not be the best person to assess that accurately.


I respect her space and privacy and respect her time. I am [b]very accommodating to her with regard to making sure the household is kept up[/b]


as opposed to what? Leave aside OM for a minute.

What else would you do, mess up the house while she's working and then expect her to clean up when she gets home?

Hey I'm not trying to bash you; I just want to show you that the self serving bias you have isn't really serving you well. You overstate your contributions to the marriage, and gloss over the devastating blows you have landed on her.

while she works long hours and even when she spends days with the OM. My thought is simply that I am responsible for my household.


yes you are

I am more communicative and have become a better father -- paying close attention to the children's needs as well as their day-to-day (e.g. school, etc).


This^^^ is good and it's meaningful. It matters. It's the "upside" of this ordeal and I mean that.

I got a new haircut, which my wife complemented me on, and I am more physically fit/attractive than I was a couple of months ago.

Good for you. Taking care of yourself is key in many respects. You'll feel better at a time when your ego could use it.
And I think IF you keep up these changes, treating her WELL, there's a good chance that when the OM leaves, and she sees you interacting lovingly with the kids, she could come around.

But do Not feel as if she owes you that, okay?

B/c YOU telling her to "think of the kids", is something which you did Not do all those years, and is probably too hypocritical for her to hear.

It could infuriate her ( if I were in her shoes, it would irk me to have you throw anything in my face about cheating being bad for the family etc) The longer it takes you to understand that, the worse for You.

At this point, I can't answer why she'd choose me over the OM, other than the fact that I am a great father to her children. She knows that I will do anything for them, and doesn't see the same with the OM with his children. He reluctantly moved back home with his W to help take care of the children while she tends to her ailing father. I don't know how much stock she puts into that, but if anything, I don't think it works against me.

I also doubt it works against you.

But then, maybe she'll recall how you left her alone to cheat on her when she was pregnant, and not feeling well. When pregnant women are sick, often the baby is endangered... and that didn't get you home b/c you didn't even answer the phone when she called and texted you,

so if she AND the baby had been dying, you would not have even known, let alone been there for her or the baby.

So She may not see much difference between OMs "reluctantly going home to his children" (how do you know how he felt?) and you Not being available to her when you were with OWs. (OR she may see OM in a better light)

And just so you know -b/c I don't think you realize this-but historically speaking, (in this country at least)-

when men cheat on pregnant wives, it is seen as a serious betrayal, terrifying to women at our most vulnerable times and is the behavior of a "Cad"...

the closest thing to it to men, is like when soldiers go off to fight in wars, and their wives cheat.

It's just NOT done by honorable people, you know?

I I just wanted you to take that into consideration b/c it's a psychological blow to a woman's need for security AND fidelity from her partner. Security is not just physical security (but it's that too,) the need to feel safe.

And how can a woman feel safe if she can't find her husband when she's carrying his child and she's ill? It's not a safe feeling at all. She is at her most vulnerable. Add to that, the other strong need women have of their men -- fidelity...it's easy to see how her love tank became empty...

you are on thin ice, so you really have to be careful. Do NOT lose your temper. Do NOT bring up OM. (Read the Newbie Rules again if you have to, but stop all the obsessing about him, and work on YOU and keeping things at home NICE)

Keep up the fathering activities and take up some GAL soon. Bring something to the table that is interesting. A new passion or hobby or language or maybe even something SHE likes, that you'd also like to learn.

Dance lessons might be a bit much now, but in time...?? I don't know her or you, (but I DO know I fell in love with my h on the dance floor on our first dozen dates.)

Tennis, art classes, woodworking, anything you would like to do that is new and stimulating and gets your mind off the marital situation, etc.



If it were me, I would have moved back home immediately. Children come first.


Not so fast....i mean it's easy for you to say NOW -- but like I just said, when she was carrying your child and she/they were sick, she could not reach you by phone...

See, there are things all of us have done that we want to forget...but when we DO forget them... that's NOT good or helpful to us. It's also not fair to those whom we've hurt.

And the 180s and the GAL? Any NEW subjects or topics or skills coming up for you? Career growth?

Still the same 180s and GAL as before. I didn't engage in anything new. I really have no interest and time, to be honest. The only things that I'm thinking of considering is joining some kind of sports league (basketball, tennis).

I will post about this^^ b/c I think you are really missing out on something very important. Plus you sound depressed and that is NOT appealing, even if it's understandable.

Realize one thing: The reason GAL is hammered so much here is simple; it works.

It helps you detach (I'd argue that you CANNOT detach without GAL), and it helps you grow and it helps you Change.

You become more interesting and inerestED in others. Those are valuable gifts

and you ignore this - at your peril.


The job prospect that I thought died on the vine has actually come back into the realm of possibility as I received an e-mail from their HR just a few hours ago.

that's good news! I'll keep my fingers crossed!

Did you look into the workshop in Philadelphia called "Essential Experience"? ---
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Nothing your wife is doing, is being done in a vacuum. Put it all in context.
It'll make a lot more sense then, I think.

That's it for the moment. Good luck!

I did not look into that workshop, but I will definitely check it out. Thanks. [/quote]

I hope you do. Keep on keeping on, and hang in there.