Need to figure out how to move forward (thread #4)

[shodan]

I spoke with my DB coach today. Her recommendation was not to go straight to filing for a D unless that is truly what I want. My W clearly has a lot of hurt and does not "trust" the changes that I have showed. My slip ups in the past two weeks (getting frustrated when she is texting, talking about the A, etc.) are not helping her see a safe road back to our M.

Her recommendations were:

- Show strength in what I can live with and what I cannot live with, but don’t talk about the A, texting, etc. anymore.
- Detach, but she recognizes that it is hard in the same house. Her view is that detaching is not being caught up in her every move, no more conversations about the R and the A, detach from the connection a little, and try to disconnect emotionally
- Be patient, do not file for D unless 100% mean it. My W wants time and pushing this will cause her to back away and get angry
- Do not compete with the other person
- Do not do anything that makes my W see me in a poor light. Similar to what everyone said here, be confident, be strong and be fun
- Going dark means focusing on myself, improving my life without her (aka getting more involved with friends, focus on the kids, focus on hobbies, focus on my job, focus on myself)
- Continue to focus on changing me...the big thing my W has mentioned is my controlling behavior, not just how I reached to the texting but to other things that I did in the past. She sees a lot of my Dad in me, which scares her. He is very controlling. I need to show my W that I am working on being less controlling.
- Do family stuff from time to time, but not a ton. It shows commitment to the family
- Her recommendation for my 180/what I do from here. (1) Don’t talk about A. (2) Don’t talk about texts. (3) don’t talk about R. (4) Don’t focus on my agenda, be more patient (5) Fix myself, work on myself
- Don’t show bitterness and anger
- Be a bit more mysterious, pull away a bit