Need Help before I blow a fuse.

[20&lost]

When starting to do a 180, do you also start to set loose boundaries?

The two^^^ are NOT directly connected. Plus, I'm not sure you are in any position to be setting boundaries, especially if they come off as directives to her.

You do Not control her, and don't forget, You checked out of the marriage many years ago, remember? You went "AWOL"....

so you cannot pretend this is some sort of "Selfish MLC" on her part, without any explanation or theory behind it. Her actions have NOT been performed in a vacuum.

Do you see that? I mean, really, do you really GET that?

And truly, I don't mean to sound harsh or as if I'm bashing you with a "2 x 4", but did you really read the DB/ DR books, either of them, and or get a DB coach? What is he/she advising? Do they have the same information we have?


What I would like to say to her is the next time she tells me she is meeting the OM for lunch say "Thank you for telling me. If you think this is proper thing to do and is going to help our marriage, then it is your choice, however, I am uncomfortable with it."

Come on, this^^ is just Nonsense! No one is fooled by it. It's obvious you are attaching judgment to her choice, so why the facade of her deciding "if she thinks it's a proper thing to do"? What's with the pretense? Clearly YOU do NOT think its proper...(never mind how you treated her for all those years....OMG what did you do about all that? I must have missed it but did you seriously own it? Did you SAY so? I"m a little baffled by your indignation, given the past and backstory.

But again, I may have missed the grand apology. Can someone give me details or dates, I realize Caeman is a tad busy...BUT I think you ought to

Either say how you feel or say nothing. NO games. But don't you think she knows how you feel? IF SHE KNOWS, and if you know that she knows,

what is your goal in telling her, again? To win her back or TO shame her? The shaming thing will backfire, and it's not coming from a place of love in your heart, anyway.

Yes, back in December I sat her down along with my children and told them that their father had had some issues and that I knew I had not been there completely for them. Also, that from counseling I was going to, I was in a better place and that I would start being the best husband and father I could be. I told them that I could not make up for the past but that going forward starting that day they would see a new husband and father. They all told me they knew that I loved them and also know even during my dark times that they knew if they really had a problem that I would be there. Since then I have done a 180 in that I am very involved with anything my kids do. Since then I have also been doing the things around the house that my W said I never did that she had wished I been doing like helping around the house(cleaning,yard, dishes, etc...). I also enjoy doing them but I am upset with myself because for many years I didn't pick up on the things I should have done and didn't. I really enjoy being there for all of them and know I missed out on a great deal. I just pray that my W sees it as being to late.

To pressure her with some sort of indirect social pressure? Same thing as trying to shame her. ALSO NOTE that when you try to shame a spouse into coming home and staying home (btw, I've never seen a spouse come home in shame, and stay for long....ever...)

but when you try to shame them, IF they "take it", then they'll seethe with resentment (until they erupt and take you by surprise) b/c they will store up their "grievances" and THEN leave, but they'll probably be better armed legally/financially)

AND OR they'll make sure everyone in your life knows what a horrible spouse/parent you were - to MAKE them leave you.

No spouse can handle shaming and infamy, indefinitely. Who would really want that for them anyhow?

Surely it's no way to have a happy, contented and loving spouse...And that's really what we'd like, isn't it?

But by shaming, guilting and judging them, They will fight back, either openly (which is sort of preferable) or behind your back... which really does some damage to your kids. Beware the passive aggressive behavior that teaches our kids so many lessons about what NOT to do inside a r/marriage.

BE mindful of your true motives in all you do. I found that often times my pride and ego (and what i called my "sense of justice", allowed me to justify a punitive vindictive course of action, ALL under the guise of "justice/fairness", which of course - I got to determine...)

If your motives come from a place of light and love, or at worst, you just let the cards fall where they fall, WITHOUT you having a hand in which direction those cards fall....then you know you can hold you head up and Go in peace.

But if your motives were a bit "tainted", or you let a rumor/nasty comment get passed about your former spouse, OR if you did worse (like start the rumor, or omitting the truth when it helps them, or just out & out lyng about our ex)

OR if you helped to poison any relationships she/he may have had with anyone - but especially their children, then You must OWN THAT ACT, & REVERSE it ASAP, or irreparable damage will be done to that child, AND that parent...(and who knows who else?)

You CAN undo that.

Hang in there! Keep posting.