I've been up and down so many times since I last wrote. I'm tracking the ups and downs of my interactions with Mr. Gritty on a spreadsheet (Thanks, Caliguy!). What my spreadsheet reveals in the way that even I can't ignore:
The negative interactions => me being DOWN. Obsessive. Miserable.
The positive interactions => me being UP. Light-hearted. Happy.
And this is because? I am not detached. I must detach. My goal is to detach. DEAR LORD, HELP ME DETACH.
I've been reading and re-reading threads here in the forums, searching for the key, the secret, THE WAY TO DETACH. BTW, I think it's a huge mistake to purge the forums. I understand why they need to do it, but so much helpful information may be lost.
But anyway. One thread that has resonated with me is this one:
"Setting them free" is detachment at its purest form. I WANT to set Mr. Gritty free. All my attempts to do so, however, have been manipulative attempts to make him realize he's losing me. And so those attempts were not authentic detachment and, of course, they backfire whenever I implement them.
I will get her book. Today I am doing the free "Judge Your Neighbor" worksheet from her site. She's got a video there on how to fill it out (helpful because I don't have the book yet). I remember doing the Solo Partner worksheets back in the early '90s, and how they focused my mind on how I had a part in the problems we had during those years. Based on those experiences, I know that the solution I'm seeking probably will be found by going within myself again.
I hope that "the work" will help me detach, allowing me to DB in the truest sense of MWD's work.
I find myself always looking for ways to detach, to live in the moment, to not be fearful. I feel like the answer is just hovering about me, within reach, and yet for some reason I can't -- or won't -- see it.
I will never take responsibility for Mr. Gritty's choice to betray me. However, I do understand that I have control over how I feel when good or bad things happen to me. Understanding this and applying it to my life are two different things.
I want to stop being either so happy or so despairing depending on how he feels about me at any given moment. So.
I've got a DB coach appt later this week. Next mediation appt is next week. Today, "the work." Moving forward, in some way or another.
And that is me -- in this moment -- in my nutshell.
M:54, H:55 T:33, M:27 12/13 BD: EA 01/14 BD: PA, H leaves 03/14 H & OW break up 05/14 H says he will file for D 08/14 H initiates D 09/14 H wants to R 12/14 Still bungling our way through R
