Newbie Error- LRT too Soon- help!

[Bart42]

The other reason I am waffling now is because (as W has pointed out) she’s been interally dealing with our marriage problems for years, and had basically written us off, but I’ve only been dealing with this (and changing) for 3.5 months. She recognized going to the OM was not the right thing to do, but as she didn’t see a future for us but wanted to keep the home together for the kids, that’s what she did to get her needs met. I fully get now how my being a hard ass and negotiating on every point of our marriage (like it was a business transaction) caused a lot of harm and hardened her heart to me, and how my excitable nature and the stress of my life led me to create a uneasy, tense home life that she fled from. She is way more delicate and fragile than I ever believed- I was reading about how men are like water buffalos and women are like butterflies- place a pebble on the back of the buffalo and he hardly notices, put place the same pebble on a butterfly and you crush it. That really resonated with me- I had always assumed because my W was type a type A go-getter who ate people for lunch as part of her job, we should interact as co-equals and were willing and expected to negotiate for everything we wanted. Big big mistake I regret learning this deep into my marriage.
So I guess where I am now is recognizing that because of the way I have handled the A and changed things about me, we’ve been talking more freely, respectfully and openly while dealing with this A than we have in years. I’d hate to throw away all that progress by going dark- while I’ve made progress I’m not yet “the husband she would be a fool to leave” (mainly due to all my pursuing, interrogation and moodiness around the A, and I’m worried because I’m not yet at my best, the OM (or ending the marriage if that is what I push for) may just be the better choice for her.

So confused 