Maybell XI

[Underdog]

Maybell,

Sheesh, I remember being where you are right now. It's unpleasant, at best.

Why couldn't he have sent that as an email? Is he wanting to disturb me? Or is he just that inconsiderate?

Well, as someone whose kid is on the east coast and I'm here, I have this dynamic sometimes. I either turn my phone on silent when it's up in my room or I keep it down in the kitchen when I sleep. I get the texts when I come down. They send the texts because they don't want to wake you by calling. So kinda rethink that one and give him the benefit of the doubt?

So he gets home this afternoon and so far as I know there is no plan for him to see the kids till he takes them for the weekend on Friday.

Maybell, I'm not swinging a 2x4 but I need to tell you that you absolutely *have* to find a way to engage him so that he owns up to his responsibility. Get a parenting plan! Until you get one that is legally recognized, you need to tell him that he has to step up to the plate when he's home. And hold him to it. Because it has a direct correlation to this:

As D11 left for school this morning I said "I love you" and she said "Meh." That's been her thing this week and as much as I know it's in the nature of a kid that age to be unkind to her family, I'm getting pretty sick of it. She knows she's hurting me and she's doing it on purpose. Her character is in many ways like my H's and it makes it VERY DIFFICULT to cope with her sometimes.

This is your cue to realize that your kids are being affected by this situation. They need clarity. They need consistency. And they need both of their parents. On that note...

... what I'm saying might come across as a 2x4. Again, it's not. She's telling you that she needs you to be the go to parent. Perhaps she's angry with you for being emotionally messy. This is when I got my then D9 into counseling. I had to put her in for a few months every year or so just to keep her moving along. She needed a safe place to vent to someone who could understand exactly where she was emotionally. She didn't feel that her dad or I were in a position to put aside our own feelings to help her deal with hers. She felt we'd be too defensive.

On that same subject, she's 11. You've got to get tougher skin. If you think this is tough, wait until she's 16-18. If there is anything worse in this world than a 17 year old girl, I haven't encountered it. I'm not saying you should be allowing disrespect or a blatant disregard for the feelings of others in the family. If she's disrespectful. calmly call her on it. Let her know it's not acceptable. But you have to know that if you are holding everyone to that standard, you have to do the same. And that means not allowing YOUR feelings to enter the parenting equation.

I'm not saying it's easy, Maybell. It isn't. But your children are small and they need to know that the one person who will *always* have their backs is you. I can see you saying, "but I do!" We know you do. Truly. But it's your actions and how you wear your emotions that sometimes put up those caution or stop signs. So learn how to completely fake it around them.

I'm torn between wondering why I would even consider wanting him back and feeling exasperated that he's left this all to me and off living his selfish little life in his selfish little bachelor pad and sending me bleeping texts at 1:30 in the morning.

What helped me when I started feeling like this was to verbally remind myself that I had choices too. It was always an option for me to file for D and get some clarity, answers and direction. So if you choose to live in this state, you're going to have to force yourself to acknowledge that you have choices.

It won't take away your anger at the situation, nor will it miraculously get you the help you need. But if having no answers is the part that gets you absolutely wiggy and unhappy, know that you always have the option to exercise that right too. Nobody would think less of you for needing some stability - for yourself and more importantly, for your children. It just might be that the courts will have a better chance at forcing your H to be a parent to your children. I know it's true for a friend of mine (both are my friends). The H always made excuses for his work. To his credit, he works a job that is his true passion. But he was never around for his daughter. All that changed when they got divorced. He's a really great dad and finally had to follow the court's plan for being present.

Too bad it took that drastic measure to get him to do the job. But in the end, sometimes people do what they need to do when they're forced to do it. I realize your H travels. The courts will take that into consideration - even if you don't file for D - in a support formula. It would allow you to schedule a sitter or nanny to help you out so you don't lose your marbles. I only had 2 kids - you have 3. You have to take care of you, Maybell.

God help me, how am I supposed to do all this when I have a full time job as well as everything else I'm responsible for? Where am I supposed to find the patience for all the curve balls and behavior? I don't even know how I would ask him for help because he's so unavailable.

LOL, this was me too. I don't know how. But I did it. I prayed for serenity and for a peaceful life. It had bumpy roads, but in the end, my girls and I are all very close. Well, except for that 17 year old blip on the radar.

Okay, here goes my true whack:

I have the NEED to have a partner who lives up to his responsibilities and I don't think it's unhealthy to be angry with him for walking away.

It's up to you to figure out how to get him to agree to live up to them. If he doesn't, what's plan B? If he were dead instead of off in la-la land, what would you do?

Put this anger to use, Maybell. Anger is the call to do something different. Some things are in your control. So figure out what your plan is and then execute it. You have to be fluid and flexible sometimes, but have a game plan.

And if I were you, I'd also call a family meeting. Let the kids know that you know this is hard on them too. Ask for their patience and understanding with you and offer yours in return. And let them know that you expect them to be helpful to the household when they can and that from here on out, you want to work on having a peaceful house with respect.

It might sound like it's crazy, but I can tell you it really worked for me. My D20 became a very responsible person, and she realized that she had some power in the emotional thermostat of our house. For the most part, she didn't act out. She figured out that I was a whole lot more inclined to give her my trust and benefit of the doubt when she acted like she deserved it. Again, there were bumps in that road. But I laid the ground work when they were young, and I stuck to it. I had consistent consequences for actions because I knew if I chose the lazy route, I'd pay dearly later. I learned how to weather the tantrums and the no I love yous. Occasionally, I heard how mean and strict I was. Instead of feeling guilty, I'd answer back, "Good! Then I'm doing my job!" She'd huff off and give me the silent treatment for awhile. Now that she's in college, she tells me all the time that she appreciated the consistency.

So hugs for having to deal with these feelings. I know how awful they are. But it really helped when I reminded myself that I always had choices. They may not be great or what I wanted, but I had them. And when I wasn't okay with where I was and needed his cooperation, I forced that conversation.

So what are your goals to make it through?

Betsey