Pretty quiet yesterday and this moring. W was confused as to what days we agreed to have S .. I had him last night and she thought she did. I told her we talked about this Sunday, and she told me it was ok she did'nt want to be alone. S called at 8 as usual, she sounded upbeat and happy. Me however .. I am struggling. Work is stressful, now I have to find a new place to live .... was hoping by now we would have figured things out ... I really do not want to sign a year lease ... just cements in my head my M could very well be over. Talking to her this morning, I know I looked like crap, didn't sleep, had a bad headache ... she did give me a hug and we talked about S and school, and she told me about her work and has a new recruiter looking for her to land a better job. I left ... inside I am just sad and depressed, I just feel like she no longer needs me, nor loves me ... and its killing me. Self Esteem is shot, I know its all the stress adding up and taking its toll ... just not a good day for me. I really wish we could connect .... but I know she has me at a distance and until she needs me I am set out in the cold and I just hate it. My faith is starting to fail, it really felt like God was stepping in at just the right moments .... but seems there is only a point it goes to, I have little hope for us anymore and I know I just need to move on but I just can not seem to drop the rope and do it.
