Feels like an eternity (Mindsin - part. 3)

[mindsin]

You said you "had a backslide" when you reached out to her with your neediness. That's a fair assessment. But you kept on going...each time you contacted her was a step backwards - it's as if you were intentionally Undoing the DB work.

And now you seem upset and disappointed in the results. That's what baffles me. Why are you surprised? And please please do NOT forget the past!

I am certainly not intentionally undoing the DB work. You're right -- each time I contact her is a step backwards. But I'm caught in a bind a lot of times. I don't want to "go dark" on her. One of the major complaints she had about me in our marriage was the fact that I "clam up" and "shut down". I never share my thoughts and feelings with her. Even now, she hints to me that she wants me to open up to her. It's hard finding that balance. I struggle with it every day.

SIGH...at least state that you are doing this. Instead, You continue act as if she has TOLD you that she is "with OM tonight and tomorrow night' but she has never said that. And you have never asked her who she'll be with. But you paint her here, as some nastily slut who brazenly throws OM in your face.

Also I'm curious about what she called you after the 3rd or 4th time she caught you in an affair? (IF Anything) I think you called her a Wh--- or sl--. when you found out about the OM.

What about the first time she found out you paid for OW? Did she cry in front of you?

What did you tell her then, about the other women? Did you promise not to do it again? Did you blame her for not meeting your needs, or what? How did it "resolve" each time?

And didn't you just say this OM went back to his wife? How can that Not be a good thing? It sure isn't bad.

There is absolutely no way on God's green earth that it could be anything else than spending nights with the OM. Trust me on this. But you know what? Whether or not that's the truth is irrelevant because regardless of where she's going or who she's with, I should not be focused on that.

I did not call her a wh--- or sl-- when I found out about the OM. She did cry in front of me the 1st time she found out. Yes, I did tell her I wouldn't do it again and I did blame her for not meeting my needs. It never really resolved any of the times. We never fixed it. We simply let time pass and just didn't really talk about it. We were both so focused on raising our children. It seemed secondary. Obviously, that was the wrong approach.

The OM went back to live with his wife at least for that week when I was away. I don't know if it's temporary. I don't know if he's still there or not. I have no additional knowledge of their situation at this point.

Then ask her, or don't. But until you KNOW, at least admit you are assuming. Meanwhile, what are you doing to become the better catch?

Tell me how you treat her and why she'd choose you over OM, as you are today.

I think I treat her well. I respect her space and privacy and respect her time. I am very accommodating to her with regard to making sure the household is kept up while she works long hours and even when she spends days with the OM. My thought is simply that I am responsible for my household. I am more communicative and have become a better father -- paying close attention to the children's needs as well as their day-to-day (e.g. school, etc). I got a new haircut, which my wife complemented me on, and I am more physically fit/attractive than I was a couple of months ago.

At this point, I can't answer why she'd choose me over the OM, other than the fact that I am a great father to her children. She knows that I will do anything for them, and doesn't see the same with the OM with his children. He reluctantly moved back home with his W to help take care of the children while she tends to her ailing father. I don't know how much stock she puts into that, but if anything, I don't think it works against me. If it were me, I would have moved back home immediately. Children come first.

And the 180s and the GAL? Any NEW subjects or topics or skills coming up for you? Career growth?

Still the same 180s and GAL as before. I didn't engage in anything new. I really have no interest and time, to be honest. The only things that I'm thinking of considering is joining some kind of sports league (basketball, tennis). The job prospect that I thought died on the vine has actually come back into the realm of possibility as I received an e-mail from their HR just a few hours ago.

Did you look into the workshop in Philadelphia called "Essential Experience"? I think you'd benefit by an intensive 3.5 day workshop that forces you to look at yourself without rehearsing your answer, and figuring out how to change your life, regardless of what your w does/says/plans.

IT's very profound. Check out their website. Many other DBers have attended and all have said it's Life changing. Definitely faster than therapy once a week b/c that is good BUT can be fragmented.

I'm really concerned that you continue to be blind to your behavior as you seem unaware of the previous damage to her, which you caused.

Nothing your wife is doing, is being done in a vacuum. Put it all in context.
It'll make a lot more sense then, I think.

That's it for the moment. Good luck!

I did not look into that workshop, but I will definitely check it out. Thanks.