I'm back at work, and it's been difficult to find much in the way of time to spend here. Hopefully things will level off soon, though - the first weeks are always really intensive.
The past few days have been rough emotionally. I've been doing pretty well with feeling okay and like my life is pretty good right now. All of the things from before are still true - I'm living a good life and find myself pretty content most of the time.
Yesterday, though, as I was doing yoga, I suddenly found myself in tears, missing H. and panicked that all of his reasons for leaving were really a lie, and that he'd gone to be with his younger, prettier online friend. As always, this was hard to think about.
Today, though, I was really missing him. I have a job interview tomorrow and I've missed having him to bounce things off, and to go to for hugs if I need them. Usually he takes me for sushi after something like this, too, so it feels like there's another loss there.
I know there was a lot not good in our relationship, but there are times like now that I miss specific things. It hurts. A lot. I was about to call a friend, but wasn't sure if I wanted to hear, "of course there's still hope for the two of you" or "you're great and totally better off without him".
I guess, since I'm here, I'm wondering if there's still hope. I haven't heard from him since that last email. I'm not about to get in touch if I can avoid it. I don't even want the version of H. back that I had, because there were a lot of problems there. I don't even want that marriage back, and what I want is a new one. But I still miss him, and I still care, and sometimes I think it would be nice to think that things could still work out for the better.
M - 34 H - 36 Together 10 years Married 4 years BD - March, 2014
In regards to hope, you can always have hope. That's completely natural and your choice. However, you have to live your life like he's gone forever. Keep your eyes open for opportunities. Embrace new things coming your way. And work through your emotions. I'm not particularly religious (more spiritual) although I think someone said it's fine to have hope, however have faith that everything will work out as it should. The universe has a way of handling things.
Treat yourself to a little something post interview:-)
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
