Last night I got a text at 1:30am from H saying he hoped he didn't wake me but he was sending his flight information. And he hoped everything was OK at home.
Why couldn't he have sent that as an email? Is he wanting to disturb me? Or is he just that inconsiderate?
So he gets home this afternoon and so far as I know there is no plan for him to see the kids till he takes them for the weekend on Friday.
As D11 left for school this morning I said "I love you" and she said "Meh." That's been her thing this week and as much as I know it's in the nature of a kid that age to be unkind to her family, I'm getting pretty sick of it. She knows she's hurting me and she's doing it on purpose. Her character is in many ways like my H's and it makes it VERY DIFFICULT to cope with her sometimes.
This morning was rough and I'm feeling angry again that he decided to just dump our life on me and bolt, even though he wouldn't have dealt with one single one of the things that was a problem today, or been in any way a support to me when I dealt with it. So I'm torn between wondering why I would even consider wanting him back and feeling exasperated that he's left this all to me and off living his selfish little life in his selfish little bachelor pad and sending me bleeping texts at 1:30 in the morning.
It's getting harder to read other people's stories that include any kind of cheerfulness or friendliness with the WAS. I want that... and also I am so angry with him for choosing this stupid selfish route that I have no desire at all to attract him back. IC is one of the things on my list for today so I suppose everything I've been able to turn away from is floating to the surface in anticipation of that.
I'm trying to step back to heal. I've done a better job of not spinning out of control, especially during the night, and H is no longer my first thought in the morning. I'm sleeping better and I actually ran yesterday, which was great. For today, I'd like to rediscover my PMA and my sense of humor and get more job searching done.
God help me, how am I supposed to do all this when I have a full time job as well as everything else I'm responsible for? Where am I supposed to find the patience for all the curve balls and behavior? I don't even know how I would ask him for help because he's so unavailable.
Some people have said that resentment is when we are angry at someone for not meeting needs we decline to meet ourselves, but seriously... I have the NEED to have a partner who lives up to his responsibilities and I don't think it's unhealthy to be angry with him for walking away.
I wish I hadn't heard from him. I was doing so well.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
