Que Sera Sera

[Shining]

I jetted- so outta there. I had to leave like a tree, split like a banana, you catch my drift. (Yup- total dork).

Oohhh, Mighty....you crack me up. I get you. We would be friends. Dorky friends... But super hot, dorky friends that only a fool would leave. .

Leave like a tree....lol...

Make like a shepherd and get the flock outta here.....
Make like a baby, and head out....

Somebody stop me.

[Mighty]

Ooooo.... I like those, Shining! Totally gonna snatch those right up!

Oh, btw... we ARE friends!! Super hot, dorky friends! I dig it.

[BrightFuture]

Might, I feel for you. I know these feelings of anxiety too well. I hope that after these first games it will become easier for you to see xh. There is first time for everything. I just imagine that after some time it will become a burden for H to deal with his GF’s kid and all the rest of it. I can almost foresee that he will be using your kid’s games to escape from the responsibility with GF. It will get old...

Thanks for checking up on me. I hope you get some good sleep tonight.

[kml]

I couldn't get out of there fast enough. But it seems like he is always trying to make eye contact or something. (opposite of before...) Now, I can't even look at him. I could just see in passing the it seemed like he was always looking- like directly at me- like waiting for me to look back. Weird.

I know it's bad of me, but I just had an image of you showing up at next week's games with a Fabio look-alike on your arm, just to mess with his head

Well, at least he didn't bring HWW with him to the games.

[LoisB]

Mighty,

Do you meditate? I've found that meditating/prayer has really helped me center myself in the absolute worst moments. I focus on my breathing and, as I inhale, I fill my inside with my name "Heather!" It may sound silly, but it really works for me.

Other times, when I feel I simply can handle one more minute of whatever...I imagine God is holding me like a Lazy-Boy recliner. I just sit back and let Him support me. Any ol' chair will do.

You will get better at this. I know this stress. Smokey has always been very dark, so when he did come around...I felt like my insides were in hurricane mode. At some point, you can set some boundaries about how/when you see him. You may even find that the kids would prefer you were at different games...simply because it eliminates the stress on them. As a kid of divorce...I hated those moments when my parents were together. It really depends on what works for you and your kids together as a family. There were moments when my parents relaxed and I was able to enjoy them together...but, that took a long time.

Go easy on yourself and put your peace of mind first. It's going to get easier.

[Matt165]

Funny you brought that up about the kids and the "stress" that they feel when both parents need to be around them and each other, Heather.
I've been thinking lately about the future and the impact that my W wanting a D is going to have...what about when the girls get married? Instead of a happy, fun time they are going to need to worry about how mom/dad feel about things. Like will one or the other bring OP? What if one or both are remarried? What about seating arrangements and who should sit where and if that will cause stress. Will dad give her away or is it still OK to have us say "Our mother and I"? What about when there are grandkids? What about birthday parties, X-mass, vacations, etc.? By doing what my W is she is going to have profound effects on not just my and her lives but our kids and even grandkids lives!

I have always looked forward to the future. I have thought about my D's weddings and what they will be like and the things I wanted to do for and with them. Looked forward to being involved grandparents, telling stories and spoiling the grandkids. Now all that is up in the air and will never be totally without some amount of awkwardness and stress because my W has gone off the deep end and wants to replay her "lost" years! Ugh!

Sorry to hijack, Mighty, just something I've had on my mind and I'm sure many of us here think about.

[Mighty]

Was the sound barrier broken tonight by truth darts? I was launching them at uncontrollable speeds.

Maybe that's what happens with months of stfu? Whew... I don't think it was TOTALLY am matter of bottling things up in an unhealthy way... maybe a little?? Seriously, I have been doing SO WELL with keeping it together- well... as far as not going off on him and hww. I have felt they aren't worth my energy; HOWEVER- there are some things that I just feel really strongly about and that I feel are things that are MAJOR factors to consider, hence: truth darts!

It all started this morning with s. S was seen heading to my house first thing this morn with a girl, when, of course, they should have been at school. Long story short- I was in touch w s right away and had him high-tail it back to where he should be. This is the first time I've reached out to xh in a few months to let him know what is going on. I told him and a couple texts were exchanged.

A little while later I received a call from s's school. The called a meeting for today. S is having some serious difficulties and there are concerns about him. I have been quiet aware of this and dealing with it for months. I don't want to go into details about s, but he is struggling with all of this.

XH was at the meeting. I was glad. This way he could see how much s is hurting and it's not coming from me. That's why I really haven't told him anything in the past few months, bc he is not accountable for his own actions and makes s feel worse. XH is not ready to face the fact that he has caused major damage.

So, after the meeting, s and I left. S didn't even say bye to xh. We were walking down the hall and xh said to wait up. I told s I'd wait in the car. S got in and was so mad at him. XH got into hww's car and headed back to work to get her... yup, they ride together and it IS the reason he is late to d's stuff. Has to p/u HER kid at her mom's in the morning. I guess that's prob why xh hasn't pushed to p/u s in the morning. like he did last yea- Gotta take HER son. Oh man... I digress... yet again.

S was mad and does not want xh to have any info about him. He really does not even want to talk to him. The meeting was not at all about s being in trouble. He still does not want xh involved at all.

So, after a little bit, xh called me. We have not spoken in months, since nuke. I really tried to maintain. He just really ticks me off. It was so obvious in the meeting how out-of-touch he is with our kids at this point.

xh wanted to know how the kids said about him, and at this point, the unleashing was beginning. So I told him a few of the following:

How the s wished bad things for hww
how s though he was a selfish a$$ h0!e
That they are mad that he wanted to cancel his vacation with wife and kids and went on a cruise with a hww and her kid
S thinks he is a lying piece of...
That xh wasn't there for him when he needed

many more.....

Then I asked, "Is that what you want to know?" He said yes, what else do they say? Then asked what d says,

I said that d thinks he is a perv

Then I stopped and told him HE should ask them and that it is not my job.

But I did say that he needs to stop saying that it is my fault the kids don't want to see him. He needs to be accountable for his actions and by saying that he is implying to them that he did not do anything wrong and did not hurt them. When he blames me, he discounts their feelings.

I told him that it is terrible that hww's mom posts crap online about their happy little family and how they are having a girl. (I think he was shocked I knew this) and how would his kids feel to see that? While she is celebrating, there is a family that is devastated and she does not give an f about them.

I said they are sick to move down the street. That his kids nor I want to see him with his happy little family. That it is like terrorism. I can't move my kids bc of school and they are so selfish to do that and not consider them. That we don't like going to the store for fear of seeing them.

I told him about the sperm analysis. I said things I knew about her, which I think he was surprised I knew. Then he asked what I know about her (like implying how *he* knows her..) after I said something about what kind of a person she is and how she is a terrible person. I said, "I only need to know this: She got pregnant by a married man. She is a mother and bought a house with a married man when she has never even met his kids. That's says it all."

OK, enough already. There was PLENTY more. But that's it for now. I'm exhausted with it. I was all bent out of shape after that BUT... recover time IS quicker. Thank goodness.

I do have to say about HIS response. First, he didn't say much at all. Even when I called him out on being with her last year, before bd, he did not deny it at all.
He said things are the way they are because of the circumstances and he has no choice, that this was not planned (that's an understatement). He said he thinks about the kids every day all day and is sorry for hurting them. I asked him if he is happy. He said he is not happy about his r w the kids. I said, no, are you happy. He repeated above. I said, no, xh, are you happy with her? He said, yeah I'm happy. It didn't sound like he was confident but I associated it with him being uncomfortable telling me this. I did tell him earlier, though, what a joke he looked like with this young girl and how he just looks like an old joke. And pointed out that she is closer to s age and was in the school dist at the same time as kids.

Donno..... It all came rolling out. I know.... not the best thing to do. But honestly, I don't regret it. He has not faced one truth or reality. He got off easily when he wanted. He wanted a quick and easy d and for me to disappear. Well.. now he has to deal with the aftermath.

I have to add something later about this weekend, the weird-o. Getting sleepy... gonna try to zzzzzz soon.

Peace

[LiveNow]

You know what Mighty? I don't blame you ONE BIT for all of that stuff coming out! That was bottled up for months inside you, and I do think your letting it all out was a good thing. Sometimes, even if we're not following the DB rules to the letter, we have to SAY things! And if there's one thing I've learned from my MLC'er, it's this: they DO hear you, and I'd bet that what you think about them DOES matter to them, even if they say or act like it doesn't. So maybe let all that sink in for a while. He'll process it. Maybe it will make him sit up, look around, and start trying to figure out what the he!! he's doing! Hang in there...

[Mighty]

Thanks, Live. I am feeling some serious emotions right now. I have never felt hate like this in my life. I am at the peak of my anger right now (I hope). I am so frustrated.

Things at work have been good but bad. I had a really bad year at work. I couldn't focus. I told my boss awhile ago that I knew reports were not going to come back good and that I was so sorry and that I wont let her down in the future. Well they came back bad, just what I expected. Things have been much better lately, and it has been a savior for me lately. However, the past year is still catching up to me.

I got a major blow today because of it. My boss talked with me (2 of them) and they were both very supportive and said they knew I am great and that this does not reflect my work abilities, etc. She was even crying.

I broke down. My son had a health scare this morning and then that. I am really getting to the point that everyday I get a major kick in the gut. It will not stop. For two years, even before bd, with other family and stuff.

I was so upset at work and pi$$ed that it was bc of them that it was so bad and they have affected every facet of my life. It is not an excuse. I have NEVER gotten a bad report. EVER. My world was turned upside down.

I am pi$$ed that xh pretty much confirmed they were f'ing around last year this time when he was sending me texts that he loved me. And she was sneaking around with him, clearly knowing he was married with kids. F THEM!

So I sat there falling apart at work bc all I could think about is how she was at work all pregnant and happy and thinking everything was fine. Me and the kids are struggling. It is very hard, and they are happy as can be. I hate them, but what I think about her... OMG....

I am so mad. She will never have any idea of what she has done and that ticks me off even more.

[LoisB]

I'm glad you let off some steam. Don't beat yourself up. Shake it off and move forward like you have been.

One correction: I don't believe they are as happy as can be...look at the facts...It just doesn't add up to have a happy healthy relationship at the expense of so many people, with so many lies, so much betrayal... He may be as happy as he can be right now, in his damaged state of mind. This, however, is not the same as feeling happy, joyful and good about yourself and your life. He is feeling the rush, the high of a new relationship...very different from the contentment and joy you feel in a true loving longterm relationship.

I'm glad you let some of it out. I think it's been festering Mighty. You needed to unleash some of the ick. Think of it this way, you gave it back to him. It's really his ick anyway. Now, cleanse yourself of the bad...have a good cry, punch a few pillows, scream in your car, throw some ol' china in the garage...Let it out.

Hugs to you and then more hugs...