Newbie Error- LRT too Soon- help!

[Bart42]

Did she agree to any sort of a transparency plan with you after the first affair discovery? Too often us betrayed spouses are so relieved that our wives or husbands want to come back to the marriage, that we fail to put proper boundaries in place.

I'm not sure I can describe this properly, but basically she has lied and only admitted the bare minimum, often blending truth with lies to make a story should reasonable (to her) at each stage of discovery.

Example: I discover inappropriate txts. She claims it got crazy and was just "fantasy"- nothing real or physical. I snoop more, find a plane ticket she bought him to join her on a work trip. She claims it was in return of physical therapy sessions and he was just there at the same time for a convention- they didn't meet up. After three weeks of me pressuring she finally admits he was there and spent one night with her "because he couldn't get a hotel room" but nothing happened. I still pressure until two weeks later the OM's girlfriend calls me and tells me the whole trip was a romantic weekend and its a PA- W acknowledges this was the case but never "tells" me anything herself.

That's her- deny, and when you can't deny any more, continue to lie and minimize.

So was transparency ever part of this? Minimally. She'd turn on a find my friends app for a few days, and then it would suddenly be off, and she'd claim her phone glitched out. I'd get nervous when she left a kids event suddenly to "work" on a weekend and she'd send me a picture of her in our home office- that type of stuff. But unlocking the phone has never been on the table and she strongly and emotionally reacts (almost losing it) to any demands for transparency claiming she will never be controlled by anyone. This is partly her history- FIL physically abused MIL (MIL was poor and trapped) and she is determined to never be in a position to be dependent herself. The rest is clearly cover for her behavior. Yes, a big part of our M issues are me "trying to control her" and her inability to really open up, be vulnerable and completely let me into her life.

Did I fail to set boundaries? Absolutely. but how to I set a reasonable boundary with someone who 1) isn't admitting the A is continuing and 2) has a history of lying whenever she thinks it is the "easier" course?

Note, she claims its easier to lie given our history and how I would historically react- which was to grill her on the facts and never let it go. This is even though time and time again over these last three months when dealing with the A I have never blown up when the truth finally comes out- I've 180'ed, but I made the mistake of pointing that out to her and she clearly still thinks its an act or that the changes won't be lasting.