Sometimes, it is so hard to imagine what our lives must look like from the outside. I know everybody has "stuff" but my God!

New development... can't even get into it yet. Too frustrating.

Sooooooo..... I will just recap on my past few days.

Things have been OK. I have had high highs and low lows. Sometimes I think when xh was on his way to a new universe, he sucked me off from Earth and left me in outer space. And there I am... floating around in outer space.

Friday was a beautiful day. One of the nicest days in a long time. I woke up excited that both of my kids would be having their fist official game of the school year. They were both away games, but with the times slotted, I would be able to make it to both.

I love watching my kids play high school sports. It is one of my favorite things to do. Yet, as I was getting up Friday morning, thinking about my day at work and seeing my kids play in their games, I couldn't shake this sick feeling. Already- the anxiety. I knew I'd see xh. Things aren't like some peoples' sitch, where there is regular interaction. My kids are teens and they communicate with their dad without my involvement. So, as you are aware, I still haven't spoken with xh since nuke. There have been some text messages- always initiated by xh. If I need to respond, they are short and to the point. I have noticed that now I get them about every 2-5 days for the past few weeks. That's it though. Nothing exciting, and nothing really pertinent. But, whatever.

So, it was tough. I was upset. Seeing xh is very rare for the past couple months. Only a handful time since nuke, and it was from far away. It will be more now that the football and volleyball are picking up for the kids. How terrible is it though that the one thing I love to do, watch my kids play sports, is so tainted by this situation now. I was so upset Friday. Here it was, the opening week of school sports, my son's senior year, my d made hs sports as a jr high student. I couldn't shake the feeling that it was just all wrong. I left work and headed out of town to d's game. I then headed to another town to s's game. I had a little bit of time in between. I was thinking that we should be enjoying this. Maybe going to dinner between, watching both kids- as parents- together. But it wasn't like that. I saw xh at d's game, went alone to s's game. Sat in parking lot by myself for a bit. I don't mind being alone, but I think it bother me when I realize that it bothers other people. I didn't really see anyone else there alone. It wasn't till I started looking around that I noticed that I was alone. My only thought was that it wasn't right not being together as a family. Hadn't really noticed the fact that there wasn't anyone with me. Does that make sense? Do I ever?

Anyway, it seems to make other people uncomfortable. Being by myself does not bother me. Not having my family in-tact does. The fact that we SHOULD have been there together bothered me.

But they had to stop the football game just before halftime because of lightning.

I went back Saturday to watch. I don't think xh went to either of s's games. I went out for a little on Sat, too. I called a gf on my way home. I just did not want to spend another night in the house doing the same thing. When I got home, I almost changed my mind. But she was ready, and we went for a bit.

Sunday I took d to the Lorde concert. It was pretty cool. She is one talented 17 year-old. It's hard to believe she is so young. She was very humble and has a great voice.