WAH & MLC? - EA/PA - Please Help

[Sam3]

A long overdue update.

H has been coming home every weekend. We have spent some time time together alone each weekend he has been here at home. And spending time together as a family.

Things would seem really good. He texts throughout the day, calls, tells me where he is or who he is with, (I can only verify where he is) says he loves me, says he is committed to working on our marriage.

I have gotten more insight to what the problems were. He says he felt like a paycheck and someone to help relieve me in childcare. He didn't feel like a partner, didn't feel like we had a romantic relationship or that I even loved him.

A problem that I identified during our separation was that I resented things that he did and ways that I felt controlled. It really bothers me that I am not on bank accounts and can't even log on to see bank accounts.
He does not want to provide financial transparency. He says "we never had that before why do you want that now?" You are the beneficiary on everything. You have everything you need.

I asked about transparency with the cell phone. He does not think that is necessary and his phone is a company phone. So he said "I'm not even sure we can get detailed call records or that it is allowed because I'm not the account owner." Ugghhh.
He said "here look at my phone".
But I know its all too easy to delete texts and calls.


He insists there was nothing going on with OW before he told me our marriage was over. And he has said he feels like he's better and more honest than other(men)people we know that have had affairs, because he came to me and said the marriage was over before he began talking to anyone.

He says that "he told me he would not try to come back on work on the marriage unless he was 'all in'. If I ever thought I knew anything about my H prior to this it was that he had integrity and would never do this. My old H would not be here with us on weekends & calling me & texting me lovingly if he was involved with someone else. But, now I don't know what to believe

I specifically asked him this weekend if they had sex. He said "I'm not going to answer that. That has nothing to do with the problems we had in our marriage."

He does not want to go to marriage counseling. He said we have been two different times during the marriage. We went 4 years ago & at the beginning of June. I told him I'm not sure that beginning of June counts as marriage counseling when he was lying to me & the counselor. He was wasting everyones time & money. He said "I learned a lot from marriage counseling when we went before. I know how to be a good husband. I just quit our marriage because I was tired of being with someone who didn't show me any love & I had no relationship with." Valid points? Yes.

I'm thinking of asking him to go to counseling for me. Just to help me get over the additional damage & hurt that has been done since we separated.

I'm REALLY struggling with the A. It hurts. My H & I have been together for so long & I *thought* we loved each other a lot. I can't believe that this is part of our story now. It hurts that he let someone else in our marriage and I'm supposed to just get over my feelings of betrayal.
I'm really scared of opening my heart up completely and getting hurt/destroyed again.
I feel like in some ways I'm in a harder place than I was a month ago.

There are some of the same old habits of our old marriage and I don't want things to go back how we were. He tells me whats going to happen example: I'm not going to counseling again.
And I'm scared to stand up to him.
We talk about things and then they aren't discussed again. I'm still not over whatever situation is. And I hold on to it. Something else happens. And *wash, rinse, repeat*
And I do know that my H is not a talker and I can & like to talk things to death. No matter what it's about.

I had a long talk with my stepdad about the situation. He is honest with me and says "yes, Sam you can be difficult."
Stepdad says H is not to be trusted right now. He doesn't understand his motives for wanting to work on marriage now.
And he says that no matter what it speaks volumes of his character that he left me with 3 small children including a 10 week old very sick baby that has lifelong health problems.
He feels like I need to find out why he left when he did.

I have had that conversation with H - he says he could not take anymore. He had no connection with me and could not take it anymore. Poor timing - ABSOLUTELY.

So I am calling on DB vets or anyone -
Is it important as to why he BD when he did?

Does this indicate some sort of character flaw in someone who cuts & runs on a wife with 3 kids & sick newborn?

How do I address the non-transparency?

Is it possible or advised for me to remain detached during this piecing period?

My H wants/needs physical touch. Is it recommended to fake it til you make it?

I keep remembering Starsky saying Effort is a choice but feelings take time. I'm guessing this applies to LBS as well. My head wants to work on my marriage. I think it will take time for my feelings to catch up and be there.

Thanks in advance!