Hi, D-day was 5 weeks ago. H had an affair with a much younger woman (which lasted for 3 weeks). When I found out he ended it immediately- there has been NC- I'm positive of that. I found out and he told me he's been unhappy in our marriage for years. 6 months ago we learned that a friend had an affair and I sat him down to see if we were ok and he emphatically said yes. He now realizes that was his opportunity to tell me that he how unhappy he was. I can go into why he was unhappy but the facts are that he told me he still loves me and wants to make our marriage work although he's not sure that it can or that he'll be happy with me. I did a lot of snooping before I read how terrible it is (not to mention learned how awful it made me feel), and saw that he sometimes feels like he needs a clean slate, that quiet family life isn't enough for him, that he's unhappy with his job and that could be contributing to this, that he's feeling like he's getting older and that's upsetting him (MLC), that he's thought about separating to see if he really wants to stay with me, but when I asked if that's what he wants he says no because he doesn't want to give up on us. In an email that I read he said he didn't want to open that can of worms with our children (2). He doesn't want me to go on his free incentive trip that he won at work, although he also said if I don't go that he won't go either. All mixed messages. I'm trying to stay positive that we are in MC and he's contributing more & more. He's the type of person who sweeps things under the rug and then EXPLODES when they become too much. That's what's happened here. I'm following the 180's and one of his issues with me was that I wasn't affectionate enough so now I'm being cool and affectionate at the same time. For example, when he comes home from work I give him a big smile and let him come to me for the hug & kiss. Then I make it a good kiss. Anyway, I'm sure I'm leaving things out. I wish I wasn't here but I'm glad that I found you. One of my good friends IRL says that this forum saved her mind & her marriage when she was in crisis. Right now things are still so raw. It's hard for me to hear that the man I've been with for 17 years is so angry with me that he'd have an affair for me to pay attention to him. I should mention that I take full responsibility for my terrible behavior towards him but NOT for the affair itself. We had a lot of terrible life events happen (death, miscarriage, relocation, PPD after the birth of both children) happen during the last 7 years and I took a lot of that out on him. I was immature and did not handle things properly. I own it and I've apologized. But as our MC says, I don't deserve a second chance to fix this, I deserve a first chance. He needs to get over his anger towards me because of his failure to communicate. Then we can start fixing the marriage. Any advice or support you can give me would be appreciated. I'm scared and sad. I don't want to divorce. I love my husband, despite his horrible mistake. Thanks.
Hi, I am sorry for the situation you are in. The best advice I can give you is to speak with a Divorce Busting Coach today. Divorce Busting coaches will give you the best guidance on how to save your marriage and get things moving in a more positive direction. Please call me to discuss our coaching program 303-444-7004.
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
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What are some more 180s? How are you including the kids in the changes? What are your goals (IE: what will be your clues that your R has changed for the better)?
BF:40 M:33 SD: 12 T: 8, never married, no kids together BD: 8/4, "I'm just done", "...too tired and burnt to try". PA confirmed 8/5 "It happened, but it's been over for almost a year".
Good question- my goals are to be more affectionate (his biggest complaint) and to be less defensive. My life for the past 7 years has been just about my kids. I was envious that DH was having so much fun with work and resented him. I'm actively looking for a job so I can GAL. I always involve my kids in everything but more likely now to make plans w or w/o him (he doesn't have to come). Our kids are big into family time so I don't put the pressure on him anymore. Honestly I can't afford to call a DB coach. $700 is not in my budget. As far as clues that R has changed are seeing how marriage counseling is going. I'm focusing on my happiness and hoping that he stops being so angry w me for the years he swept his feelings under the rug. He's been more comfortable communicating with me lately and realizes that I'm not going to scream when he tells me the truth (I didn't scream when I found out about the affair). Am I in the right frame of mind? I don't know which end is up most days.
His anger toward you might be stemming from his guilt about the affair (look up the stages of MLC). Sounds like he might be going through anger/replay, and that could take a long time to process, so buckle in for a potentially long ride.
My H would get angry and lash out about crazy nonsense, and I took it personally until I realized he's just trying to paint a negative picture of me in his mind so that he can justify his actions and leaving me. So now I'm focused on being the best person I can be, GAL, 180s, whether he's around or not. That's all you can do, and you do it for yourself, because there's no guarantee that anything we do will actually make a difference in the long run. And you'll feel better about yourself in the short run (and the long run too).
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
I was totally blindsided by not only the PA, but that he was so unhappy. I had NO CLUE. I sat him down and asked him in Feb and he told me everything was good. So now he's resentful towards me and says he doesn't want to be around me, he doesn't like coming home, and sometimes avoids me when he's home (that was happening during the first month after I found out). 6 weeks in, his actions don't look like he's unhappy to be home b/c he's affectionate to me, but I wonder if he's sweeping things under the rug. I'm going to ask him tomorrow in therapy. Is he really like he appears or is he covering things up again? I hate this. It makes me so sad.
If you would like to speak with a coach we could work something out regarding payment. Other options are available. Please call me at 303-444-7004 for more details.
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
