Wife Still in MLC but has now left #4

[AJM]

From your last thread. I just wanted to emphasize this and call some additional attention to it.

her relationship with her dad is the biggest thing she wants to "replay" now that she is in MLC!

As her father I have to make sure that I don't make things worse. In fact it's up to me to do all I can to help her through this with the least amt. of pain and hurt

Now you are starting to see the light, my friend! A point of clarification though - not with the least amount of hurt. With the right amount of hurt and the tools to deal with this and anything else that comes after. Why? Because her family was torn apart. Her parents, the foundation of her ability to judge a "normal" relationship, have called it quits (not evenly, but you get the perspective.) The very people she relies on to teach her what "normal" and "healthy" mean, are not acting that way.

Has a way of turning one's life upside down as you've noted about your W. Not saying your childhood was roses (it could have been), but now you know what dysfunctional looks like and the repurcussions.

Parents do the best they can. As long as the focus is on the well-being of the child and their life, you have a good handle on things. If you deviate from that and focus on yourself, you de-value the relationship and destroy everything you have worked on until now.

You don't need both parents to cooperate to help the child. You don't need the child in close proximity to have an impact.

You need to clear your head of the immediate hurt and betrayal and look long term for the sake of your child.

To do otherwise? You'll impact the chances of the child having a bad relationship or a relationship that goes sour later. Can't predict, but wouldn't you want to give them every possible chance?

You see the impact and how it lasts for many years. It's incredibly hard to get away from family of origin issues. It's why you see in the bible where it talks about "..to the fourth generation." FO issues can last for generations.

I don't know about you, but I wouldn't want to look at my grandkids and see my negative feelings (however appropriate they may seem at the time) to affect them.

And your daughters learn how a man should treat them by how you behave - toward them and toward their mother. Regardless of what she's done or if she is deserving.

Each time you're faced with something you have to do or say in front of your daughters, ask yourself how it may affect them 20 years from now. Before you speak if you can.

It'll take some practice to figure that out and make it natural. Don't beat yourself up for doing your best and sometimes failing. But know the consequences and do better the next time.

We're all human. I've made some mistakes with the kids. I know I regret those mistakes, but at the same time I'm not inhuman. I know my shortcomings. I also know the kids needed to know about "some" of the things and whether or not they are "normal" or other. What I've found is that they figured it out very quickly on their own. They've let slip some of their thoughts over the years. Additionally, I know they don't need me to tell them. It just adds to the pain if I were to do that and I am NOT willing to do that to my kids. At any cost. That cost has been high in some cases, but I consider it an investment in my kids futures and I'm very willing to pay it.

As for your W's behavior? Don't get used to it, Matt. If you can string some of those days together, it would be great. If not, it's still great. Because it's not your place to control it.

AJ