I know this is hard Arcola (I went thru this too, 7 years ago), but you simply CANNOT turn to your wife to soothe you at this stage. As harsh (and sad) as it sounds, she simply does not have your marriage's (nor by extension, your family's) best interests at heart right now.
Your position needs to be "end your affair, and come back and work on the marriage with me. I think you will find that I am ready and willing to work on all issues, including my own contributions to our problems. But I'm not going to do it with a third person involved, and I'm not going to wait forever."
