To Pursue or Not

[Arcola]

Cadet,
I'm still trying to find the reasons I didnt show her affection like I should have. Reasons I've come to are that I was under constant stress (job, maintaining life status, foster care, time for myself). I believe I felt W and I didnt connect when I wanted to talk about those topics and how stressed I was. I find her very attractive, but I believe I was more focused on self wants and not her. Another biggie in the lack of affection was not showing affection in public. I know for a fact that was due to me feeling it was inappropriate around the kids as we never were able to go places much alone. So I believe that rubbed off into times when we just so happened to be alone in public.

I'm showing her affection now, because I fear losing the W I love. Initial discovery of the EA and discussions I soon realized my lack of affection to her allowed her to seek it elsewhere emotionally.

With the kids we had three birth losses before having our blood D. We later adopted my oldest D and are in the process of adopting 3 more. Moreover, last year we lost another child shortly after birth. So with the kids I think we grew apart as to how we grieved differently and not sharing some of the same wants/concerns with foster care. I'll just say caring for a child and not knowing if and when a child may go home to family or with who can be quite the rollercoaster.

Starsky39,
I've almost complete DB and plan on buying DR. You're right as how I'm being perceived by here. It is just so hard to detach in this way. Being a man and not having your W available on the emotional or physical level is so difficult to carry on with.

I do need to stop this no-no of showing affection while she is with OM. At this point though I feel I'm showing her that I have changed and also that I genuinely want her. Needless to say it does soothe the pain some being able to physically connect with W, despite me needing to detach because we are still in the woods.