Need Help before I blow a fuse.

[25yearsmlc]

Thanks for the input. You are completely right when I look at it. Trying to figure out how to do my 180. The more involved I get around the house and with the kids, the more she pushes away and gets irritated. I am working on my GAL and to give her plenty of space. What I have been doing for the last 9 months has been driving her crazy and also my self.

well if I were a "fixer", I'd say STOP DOING THAT^^^ b/c it's 1) Not helping and 2) it's making things worse. Div Busting 101 is "do what works, do not do what hurts the r".

Identify specifically the things you do that make her/you nuts and do NOT do them anymore. You will probably need "replacement" behaviors and that's a great thing to work on with your DB coach. We can also offer suggestions.


My full focus on trying to fix the marriage

focus on fixing YOU. You'll have a lot more success, AND for sure it won't drive her nuts.


has pushed W into an emotional relationship with another man which just eats me up.

I can understand that. It stinks so you need to put the image of a STOP SIGN in your head and change topics, when that negative stinking thinking enters your brain.

For now, why not Be the better choice? Be a man only a fool would leave. (And listen to that DB coach! They can be Godsends.)

Just do not know how to do a 180 because my personality is full force forward on trying to fix problems; I get tunnel vision.

Kind of a cop out. Like saying since changing is hard "for you", as if changing is easy for any of us, you shouldn't have to do it. Welcome to the world of adults needing to fix themselves.

Again, ask the DB coach and your own counselor HOW to stop controlling so much.

Yes I say "Controllng" b/c that's what the phrase "full force forward trying to fix" sounds like to ME at least. It may also border on bullying, but I can't tell b/c your descriptions are pretty vague.

What do YOU mean by "full force"?

Also another thing some folks do, is to suggest a "fix" to a spouse when the only thing the spouse actually wanted, was to be Listened to...you wife may have simply hoped you would listen to her.

I know a few men (and my h was one of them!) who try to "fix" their wife's work problems with 1-2 sentence suggestions.

Here is how one wife HEARD that "fix"...

"as if I have not already thought of that! But I won't be quitting my job...b/c I can't/ or b/c I love other parts of it, or b/c we need the money, or because I just don't like that specific co-worker/ ETC...."

"and when he tells me his "solution", it's as if the discussion has to end now, b/c after all, he "fixed it" for me.

So in other words HE IS DONE listening and we have to move on to another topic. I feel like he's more or less saying, "so now shut up"....


Of course I know that's not what her h intended, yet it's how many recipients of the "Fixers" feel. Also condescended to, and dismissed. So your help/fixes, are not received as such. And that needs to change asap.

Back off and LISTEN. Learn to stfu, and that will also go far.


This is a blessing on many fronts but not so much when it comes to relationship building.

It's Not a blessing in relationships.

What are you going to do to work on that?