Need Help before I blow a fuse.

[25yearsmlc]

My W and I have been having a hard time. 9 Months ago she told me she loved me but was not in love with me.

what did SHE SAY were her reasons for the change in feelings? What are her complaints, and are ANY of them valid at all? Make sure you don't deflect off of your own role in this, to over emphasize the relationship she may be having with OM.

Figure out what YOU can change in YOU and focus efforts there. (You only control you and when you "get that", it helps a lot). That's the only way this can have a happy ending.


We are still together and have 2 kids. She is also my office manager. She barley speaks to me and has nothing to do with me. No matter what I do she gets mad at. She has developed and emotional relationship with a man that is 10 years younger. Physically he is not her type but she really likes hanging with him. SHe is constantly doing things for him like letting his dogs out, going to lunch with him, etc. Today she came up and needed to borrow my truck so she could pick up his lawn mower from the shop. I just finished reading Divorce Remedy and don't know if I need to to a 180 or do the last resort.

The "Last resort" is just that; the LAST resort, which you do AFTER you have exhausted all the other approaches. You seem to have tried zero...so why would you leap to the last one so fast?

I am talking to one of the DB telephone councilors and she tells me to be nice but to give her complete space. Should I confront her with all the time she is giving this other man?

TAKE YOUR COACHES ADVICE. You may not realize this but it feels as if you are asking us to undermine or second guess that.

The DB coach's are the experts and their advice is consistent with the philosophy advocated by MWD in her books, Div Busting and Div Remedy.

I highly doubt your coach simply said "be nice". IF you are going to get help here and from the coaches, (which I did and which I treasured), don't pit us against each other.

But do Make sure you give us the same information you give the DB coach, (don't leave out details), and make sure you are accurately reflecting back to us the advice you got from her. OH, AND PLEASE stick to one thread...makes it much easier to advise you. Otherwise it's piecemeal and super inefficient.

Make sense?


As I said, I think it is just an emotional and not a physical connection. I have been going through H for 9 months and really want our marriage of almost 20 years to succeed. Our 20th anniversary is the 1st of October.

So what is it you want to work on, in YOU? What are your 180s? (Incidentally, the 180s are not to be abandoned, ever. Those are changes YOU WANT to make in your life.)

If your w complains that you are "always late", then a 180 for you is to be MR PUNCTUAL - and that's not just to get your wife to notice that you are changing (but that IS part of it), it's also b/c you don't want to always be late, right?

So the more your 180s undermine her negative images of you, with new changes, new positives, the more she'll second guess her choice to "not be in love". Make no mistake, love is at least partly a choice.

Counter the negative reasons/justifications she has for wanting out, or not wanting to work on things, with positives. Show her that her negative "Data" about you is flawed, or out of date. The "new improved you" is a man she'd be a fool to leave. Become a man only a fool would leave.


If she says something from the past/present that is negative but true, (even if only partly true) you say "Yes I see that now and I"m sorry I hurt you. I'm working on that and If I had it all to do over again, there are lots of things I'd do differently."

If she brings up something you don't even recall, OR you think of it very differently, do not deny it~~~~~~ B/C our memories are not perfect either, and we CAN recall things inaccurately just like they can,

Instead, say "Wow that's not how I recall that, but I'm sorry you were hurt. If I had it all to do over again, there are lots of things I'd do differently."

both of the above responses show your willingness to change, which is KEY, and your regrets about her pain, which is true anyhow (B/c you ARE sorry she was hurt, whether you believe you specifically caused it or not, right?)

And neither response escalates things, & neither response makes you a doormat.

So, what are your 180s and GAL? You need to do both, a lot. Which approaches or techniques have you tried and felt have failed, that you now want to go to LRT so fast?

You CAN turn this around but it starts with YOU. Not her, you. The good news is that you do control you.

I also hammer the GAL activities for one reason....it works. It saves your sanity for one thing, and almost always gets the WAS to wonder about what is happening to you...which is a good thing. A little mystery on your end is a good thing. Do not be so predictable.

Hang in there and I suggest you stay on this thread since it has more of your history but regardless, let us know which one to use, okay?

GOOD LUCK!!