Wife having emotional affair part 2

[SunnyB]

Sandi are you saying you can't control this

I was interested in how Mindsin would suggest you make it "your" boundary. A personal boundary is not about controlling the other person.

I am interested in this topic, too. Our S agreement (just between us, it's not a legal document) spells out that H will not expose the kids to OW. But there's nothing I can do to prevent it other than complain. Although I recognize this as controlling, this is about my kids and I don't know that I can let go of it. Is there a way to turn this into a legitimate boundary?

[bdub]

" I will feel disrespected and undermined as a coparent if you expose our children to OW". If you decide to introduce them I will ______________________________________"

Keep in mind I am HORRIBLE at setting boundaries. I was/am pretty controlling in my MR. Early on in my sitch I screwed up setting boundaries for 3 weeks. However, I finally got it right a few times and it REALLY helped me.

Make sure you are 100% ready to enforce your consequence. Good luck!

[MrBond]

"Although I recognize this as controlling, this is about my kids and I don't know that I can let go of it. Is there a way to turn this into a legitimate boundary?"

No. You can tell them how you will feel but more than likely, you'll get blown off.

" I will feel disrespected and undermined as a coparent if you expose our children to OW". If you decide to introduce them I will ______________________________________"

This is not a boundary. And let's face it bdub, what would you threaten them with? And second, they will introduce the OP to the kids behind the LBS's back.

[bdub]

Told you I was horrible with boundaries! Thank you again for calling me out on this Mr. Bond. I cannot wrap my head around the concept.

In my sitch, the only leverage I have is that she is still at home, and she wants to cooperate on the dissolution. I leveraged both, risking a nasty D and somehow trying to "throw her out". Looking back it was a HUGE risk, but it was worth it.

[SunnyB]

"Although I recognize this as controlling, this is about my kids and I don't know that I can let go of it. Is there a way to turn this into a legitimate boundary?"

No. You can tell them how you will feel but more than likely, you'll get blown off.

Thank you MrBond.

[3kids]

Mrbond is spot on. There is nothing that you can do. Except express your concern. And you have to do that as though you are concern for the kids. In my sich it's a little different. We are separated, OM is not from home town. I have to let OM blow up there thing that they have going on.

One thing I have going for me is that she has some red flags about OM already. When he is in town I do not get a phone calls. Except this last time. Which is different. Last night she called the kids. Which is different, she just dropped them off on Sunday night. I have been really trying to help her out with the kids and school. In the first 4 to 5 months I went NC hard core. Didn't involve her in anything with the kids life or school. Now I am involving her in some things. She has been more open to me and willing to talk to me and see my changes. Last night after she was done talking with the kids she wanted to talk to me(baby step). I asked how school was because I was in a good mood because of an hour long tickle session with the kids. She was nice at the beginning but turned short after I kind of didn't offer her to come with me and the kids to the game. So I said my good byes and hung up. Today I offered for her to come with. No reply yet because she is at school but we will see.

Right now I have the kids an extra 2 days a week. Given her no reason at all to hate me and being kind and friendly. Which I think is starting to get to her not being able to be mad at me. Kill them with kindness and unconditional love. Maybe and just maybe that is why she hasn't pushed the divorce.

Patience and patience
Finding GAL hard when I have the kids so much and working so much. Only get two nights off a week and that's during the week. I'll figure it out.

[MrBond]

A boundary would be not supporting her A in any way. For example, if she was using a cell phone that you pay for to contact the OM, then you tell her that you will not support the A and cut the cell phone service. She is free to get a cell plan on her own, but you don't have to fund it.

[3kids]

Mrbond, I have done that already. She has her own plan. I just don't know of any other boundaries I could be doing that does not support her A. Any help on that would be great.

[MrBond]

Now you're moving from boundaries to control again. You're looking for a way for her to not see the OM again. You can't stop that. Continue to get stronger and BE the man and not just act like it.

Get yourself stronger mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually. Become the total package independent of her.

[3kids]

Need to vent.

So I guess she has some stuff to get mad at me about. When we split up stuff I got the kids beds. She got the furniture. Apperently I was not suppose to get all the bedding that went with the kids beds. Ok what ever. So I said let's split them up. She is also mad about the kids toys. How I got all the good ones. Ok what ever let's split them up. First of all the bed set who cares. Second of all the toys, me and the kids don't play with all there toys. And if she thinks having them at her house is going to make the kids happier at her house who am I to stop that. She would have to play with them for that to happen. Then of course came my tools which by the way I will not budge on but she had to throw that in there (car guy so they mean something to me).

My question is does this ever stop. I was always the one who had it my way or the highway. So this is kind of my 180. That I compromise more. Or is it that she will never be happy until she has every thing.