Thanks Daring, it does make a difference! I know from my W's relationship with her mother that it hurt my W when her mom would say bad things about her father (even though, if you knew all the horrible things he did, he deserved almost anything she could have said!) and it really hurt my W. Fact is, my W is using this fact to justify her actions today. It's a big reason why she is so ready to "forgive" her father and she now blames her mothers actions for making the D "worse". She has told me that D "doesn't hurt the kids, it's all in how the parents behave after", which isn't true but because she saw her mother tear down her father she blames her bad relationship with him on HER MOTHER. That's how much one parent talking down the other can cause lifelong problems. In fact her relationship with her dad is the biggest thing she wants to "replay" now that she is in MLC!
It's not always easy when my W is doing awful things and manipulating my D14 but I know that I just can't do it, even if it means my D may actually listen and allow her mothers actions to affect her decisions right now. When we are hurting, it's easy to let ourselves act out. Act like children and use anything that we can find to "hurt" the other person back. But my D means too much to me to use her like that. Her future relationships will already be affected by what is happening now. As her father I have to make sure that I don't make things worse. In fact it's up to me to do all I can to help her through this with the least amt. of pain and hurt. Keeping that in my mind at all times helps make sure I don't do anything that will make things worse!
