Need some major pointers here so I'm really hoping some vets will chime in.
H and I still don't have a final S agreement. We have a regular weekly schedule that we generally stick do, but every thing else has been ad hoc.
Now, we are trying to figure out a schedule for the upcoming holidays. We both have families about an hour's drive away. Holiday includes two evening and two days
H: did you have a preference for holiday? Me: according to our draft agreement, you get preference this year. So, let me know what you'd prefer so I can plan with my family. H: well, i wanted to ask your preference in the hope we can come to a mutually beneficial agreement, rather than me just dictating what I want. me: ok, thanks. This is what I'd prefer...
Today I get an email: H: Well, I was hoping you'd say you preferred something different, because its going to be complicated that way. If you want to (do something totally different than what you said you preferred), you are welcome to.
Then he proceeded to outline a complicated set of options which would involve lots of transitions and logistical coordination.
Sigh. Maybe I am over thinking it. But emotionally I am not really in a place where I want to have this complex back and forth negotiation over every darn holiday. So, I told my family when I was available based on an assumption that I thought was ok with him...and I have to now tell them something different and figure it out in a new way.
I want to be a problem solver and not stress or shut down over this, which I know I am doing.
But the truth is that having a clearer guideline would just take this off my plate. I have no interest in spending time going back and forth with him trying to figure this out.
I don't know how to respond. I am in a place where I don't feel safe to express my opinions to him. I haven't felt that in a long time. And, while he appears to be generous and collaborative, it's actually frustrating for him to not state a position until after I've stated mine. He made it seem like he didn't have a preference...or maybe I just mindread. This is emotionally difficult for me for lots of reasons but if i tell him that it makes me appear weak. This should all be no biggie if I am detached, right? But it forces me to think about how this impacts our D, and what I am missing out on with him and his family. And I feel like I need to protect myself from that.
2x4's and clarity please.
Please tell me when I can say to him, "I really hope for your sake that you truly feel this is all worth it to you."
