Just need support

[Maybell]

Hi, RAI. I'm so sorry you're here. No one deserves this.

With regards to the kids, I'll tell you what I learned from a friend who went through this as a child. He said, he could tolerate a LOT more if he knew from his parents what was going on. Even if it's bad, knowing that HE was going to be taken care of was the thing he worried most about. So in the short term, if you can keep reassuring your kids that no matter what they are loved and will be cared for, you will do a lot to defuse their anxiety.

You're going to have to drop your judgment of whether or not your W is a good mom. I can understand that her behavior is causing chaos in the family and that is kind of a bottom line area, but thinking of her as a terrible, destructive mother will NOT help you or your kids cope. The best thing for all of you is to drop that whole line of thinking and at least act as if. Most likely she's thinking very erratically and doing the best she can.

When do you give up? That's up to you. Do you want to save the marriage? If you do, this is going to be a LONG haul. Marathon, not a sprint. The thing is, if you don't, it's still going to be a marathon, because you have very young children and you are going to be stuck with one another for many years.

Your DB coach is the primary authority in your situation because s/he is the one who knows more of the details, etc. But to your W, it probably would at least improve your ability to co-parent if you were able to give in a little. Agree to the dissolution (don't hurry your attorney... just stop arguing against it if you have been). Try to improve your communications with one another for the SOLE purpose of co-parenting more effectively so the kids can relax and feel more secure. Do not talk about the relationship or OM. Don't worry about your in-laws. You can't do anything about them anyway. (Believe me, I know that's HARD, I have a grievance with my MIL myself, but it's not productive to worry about them.)

With regard to GAL, keep an eye out in your local paper for different things you can take an interest in, including stuff you can do with one or two of your kids at a time. Your social circle will grow over time, especially if you start participating in school or church functions, etc. It may take some time to grow a new set of habits but it will give you something really positive to focus on as you go through this awful experience.

This isn't going to be easy, fun, or fast, but it can be an opportunity for enormous growth if you give it the chance.

Do you have an idea of what her complaints pre-A were? Maybe list them in your next post or two.

Best to you, RAI. Nobody deserves this, but it's up to you what you make of it.