DB’ers- Newbie here reaching out for some emergency help because with all the rookie mistakes I made. I’ve only got only a few days to 180 my previous actions if that’s the right course. I just sent the Harley “Since you can’t end your affair I want a separation” letter. Predictable (non)results from the W. Only found this site, MWD and DR after sending the letter and now am seeking your guidance to figure out if I should backtrack and if so whether I go all the way to 180/ Step five or if instead I should employ some degree of the LRT.
Vitals:
Me: 45, W- 43, Married 15, Together 21, S-14 D-12. A started Fall 2013; Discovered early June 2014; Ultimatum issued (prematurely) early September 2014.
Short Version:
W is fully in the fog. Despite discovery, MC, and all the talks and promises of “working on the marriage” and “ending the A” the A continues. W has denied and only admitted what she had to every step of the way. W now adamantly denies the A continues but I have absolute proof. I was a wreck and at the end of my rope so I sent her the “Since you can’t end your affair I want a separation” letter Harley recommends. No change- denial continues. But DB and the threads here have given me new hope and I want to try and save this- before we go through separation or she becomes a WAW. I’m now not ready to separate yet, but if I totally retreat I will lose all credibility- so how do I pull back the “lets separate” without losing credibility or her believing my 180 is a ploy?
Complicating this is the fact that although I’ve been “amazing and level headed in dealing with the A” (her words), her desire all along has been to “work on things” (we still have date nights, fun talks, watch TV together, etc.) which I think means one of two things:
1. She really is confused and although she is in love with the OM, she has reservations about whether she has a future with him but also may not believe our marriage can be saved (she has mentioned several times the “Too Good to Leave Too Bad to Stay” book). She is truly torn and undecided what to do.
2. She is stringing me along to buy time because the OM ‘s live-in girlfriend is about to kick him out (she also found out about the A) and the W needs time for OM to get set up in his new place so the two of them are only dealing with one problem at a time. (I saw references to this in her TM to the OM but it may just be a line she is feeding him too). In which case I’m the sucker facilitating the A if I don’t separate.
Options/Next Steps:
I think way my only hope at this point is to stay and DB like crazy until either I hit the wall, she ends the A, or she goes WAW. So I’ve got the 37 rules printed out and have been upbeat the last two days (trying not to overdo it) and my thought is to say to her that “I’m glad you agreed to the separation and I believe that is the best way forward for us to potentially save this marriage. But you asked for some time to think and sort things out for yourself before we pursue separation. If that will mean a more orderly separation process that is better for us and the kids I’m willing to give you time to think before seeing a separation mediator.” Good plan or pipedream? Sorry for the long rambling post, but like most guys here I’m lost and don’t know where to turn- on the one hand, its “only” been three months post-discovery of her A but on the other hand the A is nearly a year old, she is refusing to say it is active and I’ve got her agreed to at least talk terms for a separation. So if now is the time for LRT (I don’t think it is because I’m not at the end of my rope and she isn’t walking out the door) I don’t want to simply slide back to facilitating the A because it’s easier to stay than go at this point. DB from here or continue to push the separation? Really appreciate any and all thoughts.
