To be honest, I'd been staying away because the conversation on Saturday didn't go very well and I was . . . embarrassed? Dejected? I don't know.
We met for dinner. Originally, we said we'd talk for 1.5 hours. We had normal, friendly conversation for a while and then realized that an hour had already passed and we hadn't gotten to any of our agenda items. Oops.
I suppose that's not all bad, but when we segued into the agenda, things went downhill. The first item on the list was dating. H said that we could see each other socially once every other week. I wish I could have just said okay, but it felt like such a setback, because the reality is that we have been "dating" this whole time and have seen each other at least once a week, if not more, since the S. (We just weren't calling it "dating" until last week.) I let my emotions get the better of me and we gridlocked. H was taking notes and he wrote "failed" on his paper.
We decided not to even try to discuss the other action steps from MC and instead we moved on to the other two items on our list -- when we're going back to the MC (and how often) and some changes H wanted to propose to our co-parenting plan.
H said he wants to go to MC every other week and I agreed that was fine. (I'd like to go every week, but I see no benefit in pushing him on that.) H agreed to call and make an appointment for next week. So, quick, easy agreement.
H is concerned that D7 told him she gets to spend more time with me than him. That's not actually true, but it's easy to understand why D7 would say that -- I see her almost every day (because I pick her up from school even on H's parenting days) whereas H may go 2-3 days at a time without seeing her. However, the time balances out in other ways. I validated his concern but told him that I'm not comfortable changing our schedule based on a false perception. As an alternative, I offered him a "babysitting" opportunity on one of my parenting nights. H agreed that was a fair trade.
With those two items handled successfully (and fairly easily), I asked if we could revisit the dating discussion. After some additional conversation, H agreed that we could go on another date before our next MC session and that we can talk about a schedule for dating with the MC. I asked which one of us would be responsible for planning the date, and he said that he would do it. He joked that he would let me know by Friday, and I joked back about not using "The Rules" on him. So, the conversation ended on a positive note.
H also came over after D7 went to bed that night so that we could ML. (That was pre-planned.) Before he left, I gave him a small gift -- a new snack food item that I thought he would like -- and he seemed to appreciate it.
After typing that out, I see lots of positive. So, why have I been feeling down? I've been mulling over a few things that H said:
*He wants the R to work but he doesn't think it's going to. He doesn't want me to give up but he is not very optimistic right now.
*He was very defensive throughout the conversation. For example, at one point he said that if he weren't so emotionally depleted right now, he would feel obligated [not in a bad way] to meet my emotional needs. I thanked him for this, and said that knowing that makes me feel more positively about our potential future because I didn't know that he felt a desire or responsibility to meet my emotional needs. Rather than appreciate the fact that we'd just agreed on something I'd previously thought was a fundamental difference of opinion, he said, "What kind of person did you think I was? I can't believe you wouldn't know that about me." Sigh.
*Even though the conversation ended on a good note, H said that if he was speaking honestly, he had to tell me that he wouldn't just remember the end of the conversation, but he would remember the beginning and the middle and that they weren't good. In other words, he didn't leave the conversation feeling as good about things as me.
Obviously, I see where I can make some subtle changes and I'm now working on them. I just had such high hopes for the Saturday conversation that I'm feeling more than a little defeated now.
