I have been in a negative space for a few days, and am watching h pull further away. Its been a rough weekend with the kids, and I have felt isolated and alone. I have let my inner petulant child out and punished h, six months ago I wouldn't have seen this, but today I can. my behaviour is directly linked to his spending more and more time with ow. and like a spoilt child, I am reacting, stamping my feet, acting childish about issues that could be resolved if I just STFU.

I am jealous, I am afraid and I am hurting. I am jealous that the ow is with my h, that he is showing her his best side, and I am left behind. I am afraid he will never come back, and that I am responsible for getting myself into this place. I am hurting because I never saw myself here, on my own with three boys in tow, I am hurting because I feel like I am in this all by myself, and I don't know how to make the feelings of hurt go away.

I read all these sitches on here, about how one day the WAS is ensconced in a with op, then quite literally, next day, say I want back in...im struggling to understand how that happens, I've read stories that are worse than mine, how do you cope with the ow? does it get more involved(the a) before it ends, if it ends?
I have so many questions my head is spinning, I am doing my best at pma(in public anyway) I am gal, I go to the gym, im going out to dinner with friends, and i'm still stuffing up, i'm still hurting, and i'm still occasionally falling apart in front of h.

I have to go to swimming lessons with the twins tomorrow, and one of ow bffs kid is on the same class, she has been giving me filthy looks for two weeks, I mentioned this to h as I got sick of feeling like i'd done something wrong, so h says something to ow, who then says something to her bff, who claims she didn't realise it was me, I now have to go swimming and deal with that, I feel uncomfortable and said so to h, and he see no problem with it.

I have signed up with a life coach, we have our first session on Friday, I am looking forward to some help, and am hoping they can help me in all aspect of my life.

I am not ready to give up on my m, but I a: really don't know what to do anymore, there are too many mixed signals from h and b: I don't know if I should keep going, as h really does seem to be spending more time with ow, and shutting me out more.

I start my day so positive, and seem to be ending up here more often, in a negative space.