Before you completely destroy your life you need a reality check.
Let’s start with an obvious observation.
Bob, your wife is not going to call you. She is not coming back. She is not going to beg forgiveness. If you file divorce papers—file them with an expectation that she won’t stop you this time. Unless you want another man living in your house, mowing your lawn, playing with your dog and making love to your wife you must stop harassing your wife.
How are you harassing your wife? By being the silent, long suffering victim. Things didn’t turn out the way you wanted so you quit your marriage. Boo hoo.
This tactic worked the last time but it obviously isn’t working this time. I do not care what type of man you think you are but I don’t think you are any different than the abusive husband she divorced. If I see this…so does she.
You repeatedly referenced an 11 page letter she wrote. This appears to be the last real communication she had with you. I suggest you actually read it. Not as a pouting child but as a man who wants to heal his broken marriage.
Your phobia about yelling makes me wonder if you were abused as a child. Was screaming the precursor to physical violence? Is this why you are so frightened by it?
Sometimes when abused children become adults they try to provoke action to mimic similar behavior from their childhood. If screaming and physical violence was normal during your childhood you may have been “baiting” your wife into mimicking this behavior.
Problems seem to arise because your wife refused to cross the line into physical violence. This seemed to frustrate you because you are determined to make your wife an “abuser.” If childhood experiences taught you screaming is the precursor to physical violence then you have already concluded your wife is “abusive.” The only thing lacking is the actual act of violence.
Bob based on everything you written, I do not think your wife as an abusive woman. But I do think you are a man who knows how to push buttons when he wants to make someone angry.
Yes, yelling is wrong. But knowing someone’s vulnerability and manipulating it as a weapon is evil. You have shared enough emails to clearly show your wife is terrified of being abandoned.
So why did you keep bullying her with threats of abandonment? Why did you send divorce papers? Then hire an attorney? Then file for a divorce without her knowledge? Then force her to sign a document agreeing she allow you to file for a divorce again? Then refuse to commit to the marriage once you were living in the house again?
A terrified animal will attack if cornered. Why did you use her terror of divorce against her?
You said you hated discussions about your relationship but she fears abandonment. Don’t you think this attitude would terrify her after you abandoned her?
You said her “favorite phrase” is you “dissolved her life without her permission.”
I think it adequately captures the horror of what you did to her. You baited her with her deepest fears, disliked the monster you created so you dissolved her life. What a terrible thing to do to someone!
How do you see yourself as a husband?
I see an emotionally abusive, immature man-child who seeks blame instead of ownership.
