This is Bob-Still hanging on

[KGirl]

In your last thread you said you were done and weren't going to be in another relationship again. So are you still done? Or are you interested in trying to work on this? I would guess you're still interested or you wouldn't still be here, posting another thread!

I don't remember seeing more background details in your original thread, other than you were married for 9 years. How old are you and your W? How long did you date before you were married? You mention that your W was your first physical partner - was she also your first serious relationship? Did you start dating young?

Besides DR/DB, it might help to read some other well-known books on relationships, if you have not already. There are a number of books by Gottman out there that are very useful (such as "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work").

You mentioned before that someone had told you you were passive aggressive. Maybe researching more tools for communicating assertively would be helpful, before you even get to tools specifically about marriage. There's a book called "Codependency for Dummies" and there is a great section about communicating needs and taking positions. One part specifically discusses how to take a stand and say what you want/don't want, instead of reacting and being indirect. For example:
A: Do you want to go to X place with me today? [forces partner to be responsible for going]
B: I don't really like going there. Do you want me to? [BETTER, takes a position instead of reacting and asks A to take a position]
A: I went somewhere else with you when I didn't want to. If you don't want to go, I'll find someone else [manipulative, avoidant]

The gist of that is that each person takes a position, rather than reacting to each other. Do you see yourself in these types of patterns? Instead of each person reacting to each other, it'd be better if A could say "I need to go to X place. I'd really like it if you came with me. Would you come?" Then B says "Yes" or "No". Based on the conversations you had with the dog, you were asking her indirectly to see him without just coming out and saying it. Why is that? Is it because then she wouldn't ask you so you could con't to be resentful towards her for not figuring out what you wanted (whereas if you just asked and she said yes, sshe'd be being nice, and that didn't fit with your schema?) Is it because you were scared of being rejected?

Google "active listening." It's not the only tool people need but it's definitely a start. Most people when conversing aren't really listening to the other person. They're already thinking in their heads about what they will say in response to what the othe other person said, or how they can contribute ("Your day was tough? Well MY day.." or "That happened to me once too! It went like this..."). Active listening is a good tool to practice in any conversation to help you really start to listen and understand what people are saying, rather than just "hearing" them. There is a difference.