Time for a new thread. It's been over a year for me since BD, and I finally feel like I'm starting to turn a corner. I attended my first meetup Friday night, for people in 'transition' (such as divorce, new in town, or death of a spouse, etc.). I really enjoyed myself. I wasn't even really nervous at all. A year ago I would have been terrified. But, I saw everyone else come in with apprehension on their faces, but by the time we all left, people were laughing, talking, smiling -- feeling better for having shared some of their troubles. I'm looking forward to going next time. Great experience. Made me feel like I was finally 'busting out' (did I steal that from someone on here?!) and moving forward into my own new life. (Never mind that I ended up seated next to a Woody Allen lookalike all night. Ha.) So that's a big step forward for me. I joined that group a year ago, but this was my first dinner with them.
I also re-started my Omega 3's and it's really made a difference, thank God. Things were looking SO bleak a week or so ago -- inside my head. Better now. Whew.
So, H and I still have not started mediation. Agreement (to use the mediator, pay the retainer, cooperate) was sitting on the kitchen counter for 10 days. He finally picked it up today. I left it up to him to do what he wants with it now that I've signed it. (Remember, he's a procrastinator, and disorganized to the max, in his MLC.)
H was here to cut the lawn this afternoon. Said he wanted to talk. I had e-mailed him last week letting him know the mediation agreement was here, signed, sitting on the counter. I also told him in that e-mail that I would have done whatever it took to save our marriage. And, that I don't hate him or blame him for everything. AND, that I had told him years ago that I didn't ever want to be a person standing in the way of his happiness. So, if DIVORCE is what would make him happy, I'm not standing in his way. (This is the very first time either of us has used the D word.) I felt like I needed to use it to slap him upside the head with the stark reality of it! This was a complete 180 for me. It's the first time I've actually DONE something to move this mess forward (signed the agreement). I finally let go and put it in God's hands.
Got a response e-mail immediately saying he would be by today, and that he 'had some things he wanted me know' and that he wanted to talk today, if I wanted to. So, he started off today by apologizing, again, for being such a terrible person to live with for past 7 or 8 years -- irritable, angry, impatient, blaming, complaining. He also had actually started reading the book I gave him (How We Love), and realized how I must have felt, living with him in that frame of mind (!).
I about fell out of my chair. FINALLY, looking inward, at himself. It was like the clouds parted and sunbeams came down from Heaven and shone on his head - and angels sang a lovely melody. I smiled from ear to ear - in my head. I just nodded, validated (yes - I did it!), and kept listening. This is HUGE for him. He blamed me for everything. He is a smart man, so I was SO shocked that he blamed me for it all a year ago. THIS is the thinking man I knew, just a glimpse of him. A moment of clarity. Someone recently said (was it Nitty?) that God is working on H, and it's beautiful, no matter what the outcome of our sitch. For the first time, I felt like, no matter where we end up, God is truly working on him now, forcing him to look at himself and fix what's wrong inside -- for himself.
That book taught me so much. It made me look WAY inward, and made me cry, realizing I was not the only one in the world being an 'avoider.' I knew if he read it, he would at least begin to understand me, and might even recognize himself in it.
I was starting to doubt he was in MLC and maybe was just a WAS. But, today, I know he is in MLC (even though he may be a combo of MLC/WAS). He's so conflicted about his job/career, not to mention his friends, family. Talked about quitting and building houses (he's in IT), working at the local home improvement store (!), something other than what he's doing. He's so unhappy. I really think living alone (for the last month or so) has begun to wake him up to his real life.
So through the entire conversation today, no mention of mediation or D. Just specifics like selling our vacation home (that i wanted to sell over a year ago anyway), his work, stuff like that -- stuff that would be taking place whether we D or not.
This is so amazing and fascinating to watch. And the compassion I had for him? It actually came back. I felt I had lost it completely lately. I know he's hurting and struggling mightily to sort things out and figure out what the heck is 'wrong with him.' Whew. I also know he won't be stuck in this forever, like some. He's too smart for that, and the self-awareness is beginning to grow. Whether I am going to be part of his future is anybody's guess - unlikely, I believe now. And I am no longer hanging my hat on that.
I'm planning my future, standing on my own two feet - no matter what. And it feels GREAT. I know I'll be ok, and I like myself so much better today than a year ago.
I'm not terribly religious, but God truly does work in mysterious ways, doesn't He? Fascinating. Happy Monday everyone. Gotta go watch my Lions on Monday night football!
Me 53, XH 57 M 20 (+1.5) years, no kids BD June '13 H moved out July '13 Confirmed long-suspected PA Feb '14 H filed for D Nov. '14 D March '15
