Husband is leaving 2

[Train]

Here it is; forgive the length and babbling ... and the many references to someone else's sitch. Ironically, this person's name is Sam, too, so I clearly don't have to worry about changing *that*. Lol. I hope it's helpful.

A friendly neighborhood disclaimer: Sam, not everyone agrees on approaches around here - and, from what I've read, A's in particular REALLY put people in different camps sometimes on how to DB. Yes, my approach was more firm - I listened to (and agreed with) Starsky probably 95% of the time in my own sitch ... and I agree with him at least 95% of the time still. But some of the things I did - such as exposing my H's affair - does not align with every, single DB principle.

But what I did *worked* to re-attract my H. It also *worked* in that not only do I have my own self-respect in tact, but my H is *treating* me respectfully.

No approach is guaranteed, obviously. I WILL say your sitch sounds a whole lot like mine pre-BD. I'll also say that you (and/or we) can psychoanalyze you(rself) all day long - and maybe you DO have unresolved abandonment issues - but from what I just read, you are a smart, articulate, level-headed, attractive woman who is independent and patient enough to raise your kids on potatoes while your H lives life high-on-the-hog.

I'll also say that the whole "independent, I-don't-want-to-appear-weak-and-vulnerable" thing can make us pretty crappy wives.

There's a balance in there somewhere, Sam. I think it should be high on your priority list to find it.

Let me see if I can think "out loud" here, using primarily my own sitch as an example.

Just like you, I realized, during the separation with my H, that I had lost myself BIG TIME during the course of our M. I had let myself go. And - if I'm being honest - I had become somewhat of a martyr: "I CAN'T go out with friends! I have nothing to wear! I've gained too much weight to wear my pre-pregnancy clothes, and I spend all the money we budgeted for clothes on the kids!!! Waaah! Waaah! Poor pitiful me!" (Okay, maybe I wasn't THAT dramatic, but looking back, that has to be EXACTLY what I sounded like.)

Truthfully, even DURING our M I realized that I had let myself go. But it was always the same excuses: I homeschool S8 and stay home with D3. I'm dealing with two teenagers primarily on my own. I don't have time for me. Did I mention I don't have anything to wear?

And you wanna know something? I just assumed my H was going to stick around, Sam. That's how my parents' M was: they weren't wildly passionate, they hardly ever held hands, they never really had to WORK on their M. They just.showed.up. They were loyal. Period. And I assumed - even though my H had cheated on me once before, early on in our M - that being together 8 more years meant we had everything down pat: maybe we weren't HAPPY, but we would "just show up" until the kids were grown, then we could enjoy life ... and each other ... a little more.

Hogwash.

Who was Sam in the beginning of your relationship? Tell us about who you were that attracted your H to you in the first place. Just from reading your posts, I already feel like I may know ... and that she may be a little lost right now in dirty diapers and juice boxes.

Again, you'll get varying opinions about this for sure, and we can psycho-babble all day long about what came first - the chicken or the egg - when we talk about how *incredibly* disrespectful your H has been toward you. But the simple fact is: Wow. He's been incredibly disrespectful toward you. And you deserve MUCH better than that.

To ask a wife and the mother of your children: "What happened to your boobs?" And to follow that up with: "You need to do something about that"??!?

Um, no. Just no.

I'll be honest: I wouldn't want to sleep with a man who said that to me, either! Gee whiz!

You will likely be surprised to find, though, Sam, that when you learn to like and respect *yourself* again, your H may just follow suit. And if he *doesn't* follow suit? YOU CAN CHOOSE whether you want to continue in your M or not. That knife cuts both ways.

This was my approach, as you probably already know from reading my sitch: Yes, I exposed the A, hoping it would end it quicker once the secrecy and risk were gone. I set firm boundaries with my H. I told him I would not discuss our relationship, or anything reconciliation-related, until/unless he broke things off with OW and agreed to a complete, full transparency plan. He laughed at me and repeatedly swore he was never coming back home. But that was okay; I stuck to my boundaries, realizing I'm a prize, I will be *no one's* "Plan B," and, yes, I was willing to lose my M if he did not end his A. I was not going to be in an open marriage. Period. At the same time, I wrestled with who *I* had become as a woman and a wife. I realized it would be hard to re-attract my H if I continued letting myself go and being a nagging "Old Mother Hubbard" who basically completely shut my H out, even - I'm ashamed to admit - of our bed. I mean, what man would WANT to live with that???

So I started working on ME. Slowly, I started feeling better about myself; I even bought myself a new outfit - complete with jewelry - at least every two weeks. I started wearing a little make-up and throwing in earrings every day. (This was to help me feel better and also proved to be important because my H would find reasons to just drop by the house unannounced ... until I also set a boundary with THAT.) I started meeting up with friends, shooting guns, reading a little more and even planning things to do with the kids on my own ... which was a pretty big deal because we were always cooped up in the house. Toward my H? I became more calm. I wouldn't engage with him. I'd ignore texts that were meant to fuel a fire and would only answer texts that asked a question, presented an emergency or required a response due to something with the kids. But if he was having a "calm" day and would text me something about his work (usually a complaint), I would respond kindly, "Wow. That must have been difficult to hear, especially considering how hard you're working. And just for what it's worth, by the way, I really do appreciate you working so hard and continuing to provide for our family during this difficult time for us all. That really means a lot."

All that to say: I put down firm boundaries that protected my family and my heart. But I also worked simultaneously on being a better me ... not only for myself but for the person I would find myself in a relationship with down the road. And I hoped that would be my H.

I started feeling a lot better about myself; people even commented that I looked years younger. That was mainly because I started feeling good and confident. I reached a place where I knew I would be okay with or without my H or my M. And, no, I didn't coddle him, and I didn't allow him to treat me like a doormat ... which would have done NOTHING positive for my PMA or self-esteem while he was with OW. And ANY self-esteem we can hang onto during these difficult times is worth hanging onto, do you agree?

And what's cool, Sam, is that H noticed the changes - big time. At the risk of sharing TMI, when he came home, he told me one of the things he'd really like for me to do is send him - ahem - pictures from time to time. At first, my initial reaction (only in my mind) was "old Train": "Ew. How immature! That's what high-schoolers do! What if I accidentally send it to the wrong person? Can't you just wait until you get home and see the real deal?"

And then it hit me: Eureka! That's what high-schoolers do! That's what H and I would have done (if we'd had nifty, high-tech cell phones when we were dating). And - punch in the gut - that's what he and OW were doing.

I should note, too, Sam, that when I let go of my own inhibitions a little, I felt sexier and more attractive ... and the other girls out there in the world - even OW - really didn't matter so much anymore.

You're right: The A is a symptom of much bigger problems in the M. But *until As are over*, I do not think you can start working on those other problems. It just doesn't work. Affairs cause people to think and behave *completely differently* than who they'd otherwise be, and there's a physical reason for that involving the brain and chemicals and all that jazz.

Also, you have to get *yourself* in an okay place, mentally. You have to find your self-confidence again. Pursuing a man who's treating you like dirt - even if that man is your H - will NOT help you get to that "okay place," IMO. And until you feel confident in your own skin again, you're going to have a very difficult time showing your H - through your actions - that you're a "newer, better" Sam.

I, like Tarheel, have some really serious concerns about the way your H speaks to and treats you. But I've watched my H go from acting like a disrespectful, spoiled-rotten brat to treating me with respect. But it all started with ME showing MYSELF respect first.

I know I've been all over the place here and have typed a lot about my own sitch, but hopefully it's coherent enough to follow along ... and glean something from.