Married now living seperatly

[FunDad]

Thanks for asking.

I make a list each week of positive, and negative. Some observations.

Positive:
1. We worked out a weekly schedule for time with the kids. We did this with a LPC who is seeing most of our children. It was the best couple of hours we have had together in months (e.g. no yelling or angry emotion from her). The therapist mentioned we are both very pleasant to work with (and seemed confused why we are where we are). Anyway, items worked out are:
- Swim nights
- Weekend schedule
- Family meals out (ALL of us together @ a kids eat free place).
- Schedule for taking kids to school (they only live 5 miles away)
- Fall activities

2. The kids had a toad recently at my house, and it jumped at her. She jumped toward me, grabbed my shirt, for protection. She then pulled away when she realized where her reflex had taken her.

3. During the same visit, she appeared happy, willing to joke. She was smiling at me, and almost felt like she would hug me on her way out (but she didnt).

4. My visits with kids have been very positive for the most part.

Negative:
1. She blew up at me about not having a decent bed during her surgery recovery. I reminded her it was her decision to move (not even telling me where she was going).

2. There are apparently problems at the new place. Our kids are generating complaints with the building managers (they can be loud when misbehaving).

3. She's wanting more money per month, and says she may be forced to go legal if I don't comply. I hope not, but we are stretched thin already. I drive kids around and bring them food and groceries some on top of her monthly allowance. (I also pay all our debt and her insurance). She has applied for food stamps and accuses me of not minding if kids go hungry (they are not by any means).

No talk of the future either way with her. She's exercising, recovering well, has her space, and almost looks like she's doing GAL on her own.

Myself, I noticed Christmas hitting the stores already, and it was a punch in the gut reminder that our broken family needs to be put back together. Even so, I'm still doing my own PMA and working on myself (and our "old" house). Did a few nice things for her just to see what she would do, and she did thank me. My main goal will be to just have a fun date with her at some point. Maybe a lunch business meeting first. To start over, we are going to have to bury the past. Anyway, after a few successful family outings, hoping this will be a possibility in a few months.

Finding the silver linings is encouraging also. I've been able to form a very strong bond with our most difficult teenager, who has a chance at an amazing athletic career. He's the only one living with me because of past behavior issues. The freedom from our normal big family chaos at home is helping him tremendously.

I went back and reviewed several years of FB conversations between her & I. There is a reoccurring pattern of our interactions where she is needing me to really understand her and connect at a deep emotional level. I'm normally a positive person and like to solve problems (fix it) and move on (not get bogged down in the mire of negative emotion). She can't do that as easily and hates it when I cant (or won't) empathize/sympathize with her. I'm going to have to figure out how to deal with this more effectively for us to be successful in the future because it's a central issue to our failed relationship. I just have to wait on this a bit because I'm in detached mode now to create the space she needs.