I just returned from a 6-month deployment to the middle east, deploying only 5 months after moving my wife and I to a new town. We had made some friends here, but I think my departure left her feeling somewhat abandoned. During the early part of the deployment, it didn't seem to be going so bad, our schedules lined up so that the time difference allowed us to be awake at the same time, she sent a care package, and we still had intimate conversations via Skype or other messaging applications.
Soon after, I switched to my permanent work shift and got into a routine of working out, going to work, and other activities. Now our schedules were polar opposites, and we rarely talked for more than a few minutes before she went to bed or right before she had to go to work. I started seeing her posts on social media going downtown to bars and clubs with people I knew, but also with men whom I had never met. About this time is when she confessed that she was unhappy, had been unhappy in our marriage for a long time (her specific words were that she felt like she was, "just going through the motions."), and that this deployment came at the worst time for us and our marriage. She had said things like this before I had left, but I may have chosen not to take her seriously, or I had been so wrapped up in work-related issues that I had other things on my mind. She said that she wasn't sure if she could do this anymore, but would give us a chance when I returned.
The very first night I was home, we went over to the house of some of the men that my wife had been hanging out with. She was cold, rude to me, and there was just something about how she interacted with one of them that I couldn't shake a nagging suspicion that there was something going on. We took a trip out of town the next day, and at one point the tension between us got so bad we just had to talk about what was going on. She swore up and down that she was feeling the way she felt because she had never been independent and wanted to find out if she could make it on her own, and not because she wanted to be with someone else. The rest of the weekend went better after that talk, but I couldn't get those horrible thoughts out of my head.
The day after we got back, I had to check in at work before taking my time off post-deployment. While she was still asleep my jealousy got the best of me and I checked her text messages, specifically to who I guess I can call the OM. It didn't take me long to find two pictures she had sent of her in lingerie, and one of her topless. I didn't dig any deeper, and instead woke her up and confronted her. She swore that it was a one time occurrence, that she was drunk when she did it, and she only did it because she wasn't getting the attention she needed from me. She said that she and the OM had discussed it afterwards as being inappropriate and that it wouldn't happen again.
We've since had many conversations about the state of our relationship, but overall my perception is that of mixed signals. On one hand, she still tells me that she's unhappy, wants to move out and be on her own, and that she wants to be single/dating again. But on the other hand, I'm still getting flashes of affection, and she still wants me to hold her when we go to bed at night. We still exchange, "I love yous." I did go over the 180 approach offered here and just today our conversation involved me letting her know that I would be making positive changes for myself, and if I am the man she wants to be with then so be it, but if not, I need to be ok on my own.
Still, I'm trying to be patient, but would like expert opinions on my situation. Thanks.
