wife needs time to figure things out, need advice

[mandown]

So, a month ago i my wife tells
me she isnt happy and not sure if she can continue on being married to me. This hit me like a ton of bricks. I eas tdy with thr military at the time. I was not expecting anything like this from her. I have spent the last 2 weeks crying and drowning in my depression trying to figure out what to do to win my wife's love back. Before i go on, i must let you know that i have cheated on her and she has taken me back. It has been almsost 3 years since. Nk sex was involved. Honest to god truth, i felt terrible about it. We have been married for 10 with 2 children. So when i get home from TDY, we have a conversation, she is not happy and says we are living like roomates. I will say, we argue often, mostly starred by me. She said that i missed all the signs that she was starting to feel this way. The night after the conversation, i decided to go through her phone, honestly to see what her sisters are talking about so i can see how to fix my marrige. To my surprise, she confessed to her sister that she had slept with another man but that it did not have anything to do woth why she may not want to be married. I asked her about it and she said that it was an eye opener for her, that she would let herself be soo weak and let it happen, it sas then she realized that her love wasn't as strong as it was before. I was devistated. She said she was sorry and that shee regrets it but she still needs time to figure herself out. I would do anything to keep my wife, i forgave her for her infidelity because i have made the same mistake. We have spoke a couple of times about the future in the past couple of weeks; i plead and plead my love and my willlingness to change but she remains steadfast. I feel that i am smothering her with affection and it is making everything worse. What do i do? How long should i wait?

Aug 27
She has not asked for seperation or anything like that. She has ceased all communication with this person, and i ajve proof of this. We still live together, she responds to my affection, says i love you, hugs and kisses me back. I have gotten better about smothering her and i think that has helped. She seems more receptive to my affection now. The other day i didnt call her when i knew she was out of work,even though i knew she should've been home by then. She called and said that she figured that she'd call me because i haven't called her to let me know wherr she was, still at work. We had our first counseling session, it went pretty well, a lot of emotions and tears. I think we can weather this storm. I pray every day for god to guide me back into her heart..

Sep 4
We've had a a few sessions in counseling, 2 together, and indivual(2 for me and 1 for her). She said from the beginning that she would not continue to go if she felt it would not do any good. She did not schedule another for her, however I can going to continue to go. Things have been going fairly well I think, she seemed tk respdond to a small amount of my affection(or so I thought). I do little things that she may like or think is nice/cute. She still hugs and kisses me and says i love you back. But it does seem more rehearsed or ingenuine than id like. However I like to beleive that she wouldn't do it all if she was really done with it all. I had my counseling yesterday, it went well i think. I came out of there in generally good spirits. However, that would change later that night. We layed in bed last night and talk a couple of minutes about random things. Then she asked me how my counseling went and if i scheduled another. I told her it went fine and that yes i did, and that it could be for me, her, or as a couple. She didnt respond and i asked if she was done going. She said that the bottom line is she needed to make up her mind and she knows that me and our counselor talked about that. Honestly we did not. The gist of what we talked about is that I need to love without expectation. Because my wife is in an extreme state of confusion and does know what she wants. She then said "what needs to happen is, we need to separate. That is the only real way that I can truly have time to make up my mind. I am grateful for all the things you are doing around the house and with the kids now, but to be honest, nothing has change with me. I am numb." It was hard for me to swallow this. But, i responded calmly and said i understand, i respect that. What bothers me is that i expressed my concern about someone stealing her heart away while seperated, and that i don't wish to date anyone else. She said that i am trying to control things while apart. She said that seperated is just that, seperated. In other words, she wouldn't have a problem seeing someone else whil we are apart. At least thats what i interpreted as. We are not going to separate just yet, my kids are in new schools and she wants to give them time to asjust. Especially my oldest, she feels that the situation is affecting him. How should i feel right now? I trying to deal with my anxiety about it all, and i am getting better. Is there anything that i can do to stave of this seperation and start healing this marriage now? Any advice would be greatly helpful.