Nitty in a Nutshell (Help! I'm in a nutshell!)

[Nitty]

Hey, Shakespr, it went fine, thank you for asking. My R is back in the dumps, however. Suc ks.

During the conf, Mr. Gritty texted me twice, but nothing major. On the long drive home, I got nervous. I started obsessing about stuff I can't control. I broke down and texted Mr. Gritty, told him I was on my way home. I was hoping for an invite to dinner. Hello, EXPECTATIONS. But he didn't respond and I kicked myself the rest of the evening.

He called me this morning and we talked. Last night he had dinner with a coworker and her husband, the coworker happening to be OW's BFF.

I don't like this. The BFF herself is a WW. She left H1 because he didn't have enough "drive", something she found unacceptable only after she reproduced a couple of times with him. H2 is the OM. So during Mr. Gritty's PA, this BFF encouraged him to leave me and berated him for hurting the OW (by stringing the poor OW along, boo hoo. No worries about the W). And I know all this because? That's what H told me.

But not to worry, says Mr. Gritty, because BFF is now advising him to return to me. Because she has realized how crazy the OW is.

I don't know how we're ever going to make this work, especially if he thinks we can be friends with this couple if we get together again. Hello, EXPECTATIONS!

He asked me about the conference, wanted to know if it would make my business more profitable, because (as we both know) I've not yet made a living with it yet, which annoys him. I felt a little flustered, like maybe he was trying to figure out if he could get by with less alimony. Hello, MIND READING!

I told him it was a good networking experience, that I had fun and learned a lot. He said that when he takes business trips he doesn't have fun. Whenever he has to travel it is work. He been hearing about my recent GALing from mutual friends and thinks and maybe he should take do stuff like that for fun, too. Hello! Time to affirm! But no! I forgot!

Instead, I reminded him that we always got invites when we were together but we turned them down. Now I'm by myself, I said, I'm going to accept all invitations. He said, "Well, I'm going to accept invites, too."

I have been rehearsing responses to statements like these. I'm supposed to respond to them like so: "Sure, you could accept more invites, too." Or, "Sure, you could travel for fun, too." But I didn't. I forgot all my rehearsed stuff. I told him, look, you left me, what am I supposed to do? Hello! Talking about the R!!!!

Then he informed me that I have somehow again manipulated him into something he doesn't want to do: the MC with the mediator. He feels controlled. I told him he doesn't have to do anything he doesn't want to do, which is a good response but then I just had to add how much I hate it when he claims I have always manipulated him, when we both know he is always the one who had the final say in any decision we made. He still is. It's just him justifying what he's done. Rewriting history. Hello! SNAFU!

I didn't even get to end the convo. He got agitated and said he had to go and hung up. I feel like I backslide more than I move forward. I feel like there is just so much to do to repair this R that I'm insane to think it could ever be done.

I wish, more than ever, that I could just tell him "let's go through with the D." And be calm and unafraid. I believe my holding on is what is helping him hold on to his crazy-making. LET GO!!!!

I've got to get my head back in the game. No expectations. Detach. No R talks, even if he initiates them. Agree. Validate. Listen. Remember my rehearsed statements. I'm not going to settle anything during any convo, probably for the next 6 months, at least, maybe even longer. So why the hell am I trying to do so?

Thank goodness there's no mediation this week, because he has work travel. (WHICH IS NO FUN, NITTY, NOT EVER.) (LOL)