Ugh. First, I'm sorry, and 14 year old teen girls are insane no matter what the parental situation.
This is one area I'm experienced in.... Not an expert, but I've been exactly where you are.
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Just like I thought she would, she got angry <<<< perhaps some acting "as if" here? (something she has learned from her mother)<<<<<< right or wrong, got to stop the blaming. and said "I got up before 7:00 AM! How early do I need to get up?". I say calmly again "Well, it's 30 miles away and we need time to get there". I got back from her.. "Mom lives 4 min's from school....". <<<< typical pitting against each other. You'll see this for as long as it works for D14 .
Here's the thing, Matt, you are not losing your D14. But with the ever-building anger and resentment, you could.
It was good that you didn't actually say out loud what you were thinking. But sometimes, just thinking it can exude the same energy, even with different words....still:
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"D14, it wasn't my choice for your mom to move so far away. She didn't think about me or you and what it would mean when you stayed with me. She moved there because it's where all her friends live, not because she wanted you to be closer to school so you could sleep later". It was the closest thing to me saying something "bad" about her mother and her choices since this all started!
I'm sorry for being bold here, but I have to be straight up with you. ^^^^ That is exactly the stuff that will drive your D14 right toward her mother. You are a better man than that. Dig deep for restraint.
Just don't talk about W AT ALL. ZERO. Don't assign motives. Don't mind-read. And DON'T talk at all about your opinions about W. Wear the white hat. It stinks what is happening, but your reactions can make it either positive or negative for you in the long run.
I went through a TERRIBLE custody battle, thought I was losing my 4 kids to a man I thought had everyone bamboozled by his lies and manipulation. He didn't. And I have them 100% of the time now. But I thought he was "winning" at the time. I had to let go of that, and it was nearly impossible as their solid parent. But I trusted my L. He said be consistent. Be calm. Be solid. He was right.
You will lose many battles. But if you wear the white hat, you WILL win the war. So let go of the battles, right?
What are the knowns? The school is far. The drive is inconvenient. There is a time to leave, or she will be late. Talk to D14 about the problem with both facts, and respect. Isolate the problem, and direct both your energies together, to come up with a solution.
D14 might come out and say she wants to live with her mother, whether out of anger or just to get a rise from you (and that is common, so don't be surprised if she does....may not even be personal. She's 14 and hormonal). That is what they do. Your job is to not react. Stick to facts. Talk about how that would play out. Talk about the whole picture, write it out. Weigh the negatives and positives. Calmly. She can't complex problem-solve like that yet. D14 lives mostly in impulse and emotion. That's normal.
I had to let my kids go with xh many times before the courts were willing to rule even temporary custody. He made grandiose plans. I looked like a failure. He snatched them for Christmas one year and I crumbled. I cried all day. My kids called me in the afternoon, crying because dad was sleeping and their Christmas was ruined, and they missed me. Your W will fail on her own, over time. Don't get caught up in every battle.
Be consistent. Be the strong, dependable, non-reactive one. White hat, Matt. You can do this.
