Atsbaby, Georgiabelle ... Thank you so much for your words .. I was frustrated and read them from my phone yesterday morning and it helped me so much ... seriously thank you.
So Atsbaby: Yes I know you are right ... Weekends are hard, especially now as she admitted to me she hates being alone (OM appears to be out of the picture finally now ... no sign nor talk of him for about a month now) So she uses excuses to do things and in a way I have allowed most .. .I have here and there told her I had plans to which she was upset and in the past month accused me of having someone else .... total Temp Check from what I can gather.
Georgiabelle: Again ... you are spot on ... and I did not realize she was Temp-Checking until you pointed it out. I was doing very good at detaching until I was sucked in last week and then only pissed at myself after being used.
So update time. This may strike some as strange .. but for me its been working, and helping me understand a few things that currently have been going on .. and looking back its something I should have been doing. Reading the DB book I came up with the idea to track my days with W .... 3 categories. +, -, and Z ... pretty simple ... Positive days, Negative/Backslides, and Z is no/little contact. I will make the size of the symbol reflect the sitch ... goal was to avoid the negatives, and try to string as many positives as possible. Another thing I track is her cycle, the PMS really has a bad effect on her, she even admitted that after I pointed it out on Saturday she stopped herself and went and ran with her girlfriend. She told me its like the chemicals take over and she turns into someone she just isn't.
So Saturday was a day like this .... I was happy with how I handled it, I spoke softly for the most part, or went dark. I did get frustrated and was going to throw in the rope .. even told W that I was done, had nothing left emotionally to invest and she could find someone else.... it was apparent that she really did not want that ... She later admitted she uses me for comfort, and is scared to get close. Late Saturday night I was able to fire a few truth darts that I think actually stuck. Time will tell.
There was a Divorce book in her car when we talked ... she told me it was not what it looked like, it was from the church and it was about trying to fix things ... I am not sure I buy that ... but I would have a hard time believing that a church would promote any D ... so I will take that as a small positive. Sunday I got to her place and we went up to see her brother (In Jail) ... we actually talked a bit, laughed about a few things that happened Saturday during the "fight"... I even told her about a pair of earrings that I bought her during the gulf war (She refused to wear them) that I found and sold at a cash for gold place for $275 ... she wanted the money in a funny way ... she was tired and had me put my arm around her and she used my shoulder to fall asleep on. This made me feel amazing, it was like when we were together .... physical contact is definitely my LL .... Finally seen her brother who I never really got along with but have made a connection with as I have tried to be there for him and her during a difficult time (180) ... he told me that he feels she loves me deep down but is a scared kitten who I need to be gentle with, he also told her to try ... she asked me to make him laugh as he was getting emotional ... so I did .. was a good visit and one I came out of looking and feeling good. So Saturday was bad .. but Sunday was good ... if anything positive could come out of Saturday I was able to tell her that her actions did not make it appear she was working on us ... Sunday night and this morning it appears she is making an effort to talk to me ... just light talks asking how I slept, telling me about her other brother who was upset .. I was there for her, told her why he was upset and it had nothing to do with her .... just being that guy she can count on right now.
I have realized my 180's have been changing things ... little to big ... Open the car door for her no matter what. Do not yell back/fight no matter what, just state my feelings and do not let emotions take over. listen ... stop interrupting her or telling her she is wrong .. validate.
So now ... the week begins and typically she will go dark on me, I told her how this made me feel very matter of fact ... she asked why I don't make contact and I explained to her that I don't want to interrupt her life if the life she chose did not involve me as it has been over the past 10 months. Seems things have turned ... I think she wants to try but as she told me for her to try she has to trust me, something she is struggling with, looking at a few books she is reading she appears to be working on this issue, so I just have to not scare her off... continue on working on me, and know this month will be hard for her with her brother getting sentenced later this month.
