WAH - Chapter 4 Lisa B

[pilot]

Let the meet up with him happen in a few days as planned. Take that time to show off your awesomeness. Remember, he needs to remember the good times with you and why he fell in love with you in the first place. You wont get that by ignoring him alone. Think of it as a teasing process. When you see him in a few days, be fun, be happy, be positive, be a tad flirty, then back to NC afterwards. It will confuse him, and make him think. Remember, he has to WANT to pursue you. So give him a reason.

Trust me, we all get the frustration you are feeling. I am there myself. It really helps to remember to think of this as a marathon, or a long process, and in the end, nothing you do today, or even at your meeting will provide a quick fix. Baby steps

[LisaB]

Thanks guys. As usual - great advice. All day I had been thinking about how I never want to talk to him again and just want to cancel the plans for this week. But you are right, better to show off when I get a chance instead of avoiding him out of anger or punishment.

It's funny when I read these same kind of things on other's threads I always say the same advice you did.

Have a great day!
Hugs, Lisa

[pilot]

Yea its pretty easy to see how others should do things. But when it comes to ourselves, we like to screw things up the best we can

[LisaB]

Hey y'all. Need to do a little venting for a minute...

I haven't heard from WAH in 5 or 6 days which is the longest we have ever gone without communicating in the entire time I have known him including since BD. This time has allowed me to think and ruminate over everything instead of wondering about how to reply to his latest text message.

The result has not been pretty. I keep thinking about OW and the disrespectful way he (they) treated me and how pathetic they are. I keep thinking about the person he has become and how I don't respect or like that person. He has disappointed me. I keep thinking about whether I really want him back or I just want to "win" for my ego. I keep wondering if I ever loved him at all or if I just loved how easy it was to be with him because he was kind, loving and loyal (all traits which are gone now). The person he has become is selfish, arrogant and stupid. There is no trace of humility. He thinks he is the king of the world. But I see the insecure person inside.

I'll admit that most of the time when I have thought of him in the past few days it was to wish horrible suffering upon him and the OW. Slimy venereal diseases, painful heartache, financial troubles. Not very nice, haha. Maybe I should get a voodoo doll. Every day I see his or her doppelganger on the street or in a restaurant and it reminds me how much I despise them.

I know these negative feelings are a somewhat normal part of the process. All in all my life is going pretty well. Work is good, my friends are great, family is being nice, things are mostly going my way. I am thankful for these things and for the most part am happily going about my days. I guess I just have to experience these hateful feelings to get to the other side.

Then today I finally heard from WAH to set up details about our moving day this week. He called instead of texting which is very unusual for him. Perhaps he figured out that texting would not go well. Literally the minute before he called I was about to cancel the plans due to my feelings of anger and disgust. I have to say he sounded very nervous or "tight" on the phone, not relaxed. I did my best to sound happy and relaxed but I did not ask how he was or be friendly at all.

I could ramble now about what might be going on in his head or why he hasn't communicated with me or why he sounded nervous or a million other things. But I have no idea and I'm not sure I should care.

Guess a lot of us have been going through this angry disgusted phase lately. Thanks for letting me vent. Stay tuned for more from the roller coaster.

Hugs, Lisa B

[SunnyB]

Lisa, vent away. This is a great place to do just that.

I keep thinking about whether I really want him back or I just want to "win" for my ego.

I thought this too, for a while. That I only wanted him back to "win" and perhaps for the pleasure of being the one to turn him down once he came crawling back. Now I'm not really sure I want him back at all, I'm still trying to figure that out. Weekends like this one make it hard to figure out, we had friends over last night, had a great time. I guess I don't understand why he would want to leave our life at all, it's pretty good, even now. Maybe when I stop trying to figure that part out it won't be so hard to let go.

[Georgiabelle]

Lisa,

Sometimes it's good to let it all out and I think your post was brutally honest. We all know it's not healthy to harbor anger and resentment. And no one wants to be bitter. That's a tough way to live. It can also be difficult to realize they were long gone before BD and that was a mere formality to them. It can make you feel a little silly (or at least I do )emembering things you said or did just a few days and or weeks prior to BD thinking everything was sailing along, huh? I understand and appreciate compassion and empathy, however sometimes we don't always feel it. It ebbs and flows I suppose

For me, I admit it was an ego blow. People who knew us both thought my stbxh out punted his coverage and he had it made. His new friends? They think I'm a boring, older, mommy hag-type. And I'm not, don't know them, so they are entitled to their beliefs.

Everyone gets there on their own time. Hang in there?

[Ss06]

Lisa,

I've noticed that this roller coaster ride we refer to is really TWO roller coaster rides. There's the one we're put on by our WAHs that feels out of control and bumpy and jerking. Then there's our own ride that has its own ups and downs which often coincide with the WAH's bumps and jerks but sometimes they are very independent of each other.

Resentment and anger and disgust are a definite part of our own ride. They bring us low, sometimes for a long time, but they are a necessary part of the ride, because without them we can't learn the skills to bring ourselves out of THAT pain.

Through yoga I've learned that we all shy away from pain - for obvious reasons. What if we sat in the pain and simply observed it. Stop running from it. Look at it, feel it, let it permeate, watch it... it teaches us a lot when we do that.

I dont' see anything wrong with sitting in the resentment and anger and disgusted phase for as long as you need. Often it's not very long but know that it will come back. It's part of the ride. As long as it doesn't blacken your heart completely, feeling it is part of getting out of it.

A very wise labug recently said (paraphrase),

"Life has a lot of twists and turns but I get to decide how much I'm tossed around."

This spoke to me big time and I share it with you now because it's one of those things that, when I'm clouded by resentment and anger and disgust, I want to remind myself.

We can get off WAH's ride.

We can't get off our own. We can, however, decide to honor our pain, not waste it, put it to good use and allow it to motivate us which will level out some of those dips on our own personal roller coaster just a little bit.

Focus on the good things you have going right now. Put your energy there for now. Only good things can come of it.

(((hugs)))

[pilot]

Vent away Lisa. And good for you to recognize the roller coaster of emotions. You are feeling this way today. Tomorrow may be different. I find it best to NOT focus on the negatives our spouses have done, or continue to do. Doing so makes it so much harder to push through this already tough enough journey. At the same time, you cannot focus on the good times because that in itself makes it harder to be without them. Sooooooo..........focus on YOU!

ss is right. there are 2 roller coasters. Yours and his. sometimes they meet at the peak, and things are good. sometimes at the bottom and things are really bad. and other times, one is high while the other is low. then things are just confusing!!!

[LisaB]

Hi ladies and pilot, thanks for checking in and reading my ranting.

Georgiabelle, you are right about the way the WAS surprised us, but they had checked out long before. Thus their idiotic decisions and behaviors seemed to them quite ok. Cue the fog...

Ss, I hear you about the two rides. So true. I feel like the hating ride I am on now is my own. And I agree that sometimes you have to sit with the negativity until it passes on. Thanks for the wisdom from labug.

I feel WAH and OW deserve my angry disgust now and perhaps someday soon they will earn my pity. And then I can truly move past it.

Pilot, I agree it is best not to focus on the negative, whether with this WAH nonsense or with anything else for that matter. Lately I just feel negative about him and I can't see any use in holding on to such a crappy, stupid person. However, I know if he does something nice or even if I just see him and he makes me smile that I will be glad I have been keeping cool and DBing instead of burning his house down and punching OW in the face. Repeatedly.

Violent much? haha!

Gosh I hope his house doesn't happen to burn down and then the internet police come look for me. Yikes.

Thanks again my friends. Have a good day!
Hugs, Lisa

[Maybell]

Lisa, I've been getting a LOT of advice to just let go for the last few weeks. I couldn't do it. Finally I rephrased: I need to step away to heal. I just can't deal with the crazy anymore. And there's so much good in my life -- in fact, almost EVERY area of my life except my marriage is really, really good right now. I have a lot to be happy about.

Why worry about giving him the head space that will do little more than damage your ability to enjoy the great things in your life?

I say that today. I know you've seen my threads to know it was a process to get there. It is worth it. Please don't waste your time on disgust or pity for your H. The OW is absolutely beneath your notice. Don't hold onto a crappy, stupid person. Just acknowledge that's who he is now and if he ever comes back to you having done his own 180s, you can decide then if the good outweighs the bad.

The question underpinning your (entirely understandable) rant is "how can I get him back?" THAT OUGHT TO BE HIS QUESTION OF YOU. Until it is, put him aside. Step back and give yourself space to heal. Or let go. Or whatever phrasing gets you to a place where you make your own choices rather than, as you note, reacting to every little thing (including each day's silence).

I'm feeling quiet and serious today so I apologize for the tone of my posting here. I wish you all the best.