Hey y'all. Need to do a little venting for a minute...
I haven't heard from WAH in 5 or 6 days which is the longest we have ever gone without communicating in the entire time I have known him including since BD. This time has allowed me to think and ruminate over everything instead of wondering about how to reply to his latest text message.
The result has not been pretty. I keep thinking about OW and the disrespectful way he (they) treated me and how pathetic they are. I keep thinking about the person he has become and how I don't respect or like that person. He has disappointed me. I keep thinking about whether I really want him back or I just want to "win" for my ego. I keep wondering if I ever loved him at all or if I just loved how easy it was to be with him because he was kind, loving and loyal (all traits which are gone now). The person he has become is selfish, arrogant and stupid. There is no trace of humility. He thinks he is the king of the world. But I see the insecure person inside.
I'll admit that most of the time when I have thought of him in the past few days it was to wish horrible suffering upon him and the OW. Slimy venereal diseases, painful heartache, financial troubles. Not very nice, haha. Maybe I should get a voodoo doll. Every day I see his or her doppelganger on the street or in a restaurant and it reminds me how much I despise them.
I know these negative feelings are a somewhat normal part of the process. All in all my life is going pretty well. Work is good, my friends are great, family is being nice, things are mostly going my way. I am thankful for these things and for the most part am happily going about my days. I guess I just have to experience these hateful feelings to get to the other side.
Then today I finally heard from WAH to set up details about our moving day this week. He called instead of texting which is very unusual for him. Perhaps he figured out that texting would not go well. Literally the minute before he called I was about to cancel the plans due to my feelings of anger and disgust. I have to say he sounded very nervous or "tight" on the phone, not relaxed. I did my best to sound happy and relaxed but I did not ask how he was or be friendly at all.
I could ramble now about what might be going on in his head or why he hasn't communicated with me or why he sounded nervous or a million other things. But I have no idea and I'm not sure I should care.
Guess a lot of us have been going through this angry disgusted phase lately. Thanks for letting me vent. Stay tuned for more from the roller coaster.
