Feeling stronger than ever

[mleigh4]

It's been awhile since I have been around. I decided to take a break from my marriage problems and just live and let life happen. It actually went well for a while. I was much more relaxed and happy. Felt a weight lifted. I actually got to a point where I decided that I had said all I could say and done all I can do. There was nothing more for me to do but step back and see where life took us. Things have been ok. I was still seeing some progress in H. We have been getting along great and life has been smooth at home. I still see odd and withdrawn behavior in H, but my biggest struggle remains to be H sleeping in spare room. It wears on me more than I can say. Who am I to talk? For years I put H through the same thing, in different ways. So I try so hard to ignore it and not dwell on it, but I can't. I have reached out to H with a hug, got an ok response. I have been upbeat, given him his space, left him alone. All the things I am supposed to do. And yes, I see it helps and see H opening up and removing bricks from that wall.

I guess we all have that moment, that boundary, where you reach the point of total detachment and letting go. I thought it was a couple of weeks ago when we had an argument about him ignoring a text about picking up his S while he was out. It was alcohol infused and I regret my blow up, but I did reach a point where I knew I had to let go of him. I apologized and we got past that.

Fast forward to this weekend. He decided to do a marathon day out. Left at 7 am and came home at 3:30 am the next morning. Said he was with his mystery friends but vague as usual. I actually believe him, told him it's great he had a good time, but to please just let me know when he will be out so long so I don't worry. I also feel, no matter what he is going through, it is disrespectful to his family and home. So I left him alone, went back to my room and just started bawling. The pain, loneliness and reality of my life just hit me. Like a ton of bricks. I went back to his room, tapped on the door to ask if I could just lie with him a moment. As I walked in, I can see a light under his covers, his phone. He scurried to hide it. I asked him, are you on your phone? He said no. So I asked if I could lay down for a moment and he sighed, just completely annoyed. So I asked again about the phone and he admitted it. I asked if he was talking to someone and he said no. Then it struck me, porn. So I asked and he told me to get out. Said he was just looking at stuff. So, I was completely rejected, once again find him doing things behind my back, and I just hit a point where I am so done. I just can't live my life with someone I can't trust, who obviously doesn't love me or want me. I feel like he has been making things nice at home just for the convenience.

I have reached my point and let go. After a day of crying, I let him know he has made it clear how he feels about me. I told him I have nothing left in me. If we can get through the holidays for our S, at the beginning of the year we can move forward on things, that looks to be what he wants and I won't hold him back. I just got a blank "ok".

I hurt for him. I know he is lost. I feel like I am letting him down. But I have to take care of myself. I want my S to experience a healthy relationship, not a loveless one. I need to be happy. It's been so so long. Between my own crisis and now his, we are looking at a good 4 years. I am drained and exhausted. I really feel I have done all I can do. I promised myself that I would give this through the end of the year and will do so. Who knows, miracles happen. But I feel so numb and empty, I don't know if I even want him anymore. He is not the man I fell for. Not even close.