I am the prize

[daring]

Ggrass I hope it passes quickly for you- strangely I felt like I cycled from depression to acceptance all in one day today. Of course we will see how I feel about all of this tomorrow

So the big D came up again today. I had a feeling H was leaning that way lately. For once it did not cause my heart to jump in my throat and feel like I was panicking- yay me!
So strangely I feel almost relieved- not because I want our M to dissolve, but more because it seems this may be his only way back and I can really see that.
He started the conversation by talking about trying to get this new apartment and setting up a schedule for the kids. Then moved into saying that Monday ( our BBQ when I was drinking and got emotional) affected him in much greater ways than he's ever realized. He also said to me that it was his issue and I did nothing wrong. I told him I understand, I had the same issues surrounding sex and didn't realize how extensive until I started working on them. Then he said finances is also a big issue and he knows that too.
He doesn't want to drag me through two years of heartache and pain and us end up hating each other. He said he would rather remarry me and do it right after he works through his chit. He knows I'm willing to work through it all with him but thinks he won't do it right then- he needs to rely on himself and regain his own identity. He feels that he has to reset and rebuild the foundation of himself and us. He said he knows I will need to treat him differently at first but hopes we can work through that. I said maybe I'm impeding your progress. He said you're still my best friend, and my feelings don't change- I just don't want to be angry at you for my own stuff.
Then he made a joke and I said are you trying to change the subject- he started to break down with clear pain in his face and said " I'm trying to be here the best I can".
I reached out and touched his leg to offer comfort- and then before he left he hugged me and said we are going to have the weirdest divorce ever.
Then said he was going to go to his house and throw up. He's actually more upset about the conversation than I am.
Am I finally progressing to detachment???

So here are my thoughts- maybe he will be like reaching higher's H and decide he can't go through with D at the 11th hour. Or maybe he will go through with it. Either way he really seems to recognize some of the key issues and the depth to which he needs to address them. And even if we D, I think we can maintain a healthy friendship and maybe that's how we find our way back to each other. And if not- I will be ok. And I will have remained true to my authentic self.

Hope I still feel peaceful in the morning but I imagine this is going to be a roller coaster still.