still holding on - 4

[u-turn]

Thanks for the reminder - I was busy this weekend screwing that up.

Datey wine thing didn't happen, S20 was came home for the day and was having a tough emotional time (very depressed and defeated). the three of us sat and talked for a couple hours about what he think needs to happen. He is completely stressed about everything (including W & I). I have learned a lot here (DB forum) which really allowed me to handle things better than I would have before. I was able to plagiarize some good advice about only being able to control yourself and living in the present (Thanks to everyone for that)

I didn't learn very many great parenting or communication skills from my parents, so I am trying to improve. I think we helped him. He is going to counseling at school next week(I hope that helps him too). He set this up on his own.

Then-just when you think that things are low enough and you may have a good starting point, something else happens. This time it was me. I wasn't feeling very well detached and saw that she was e-mailing OM. I had enough. I tried to let it go, but it kept me awake almost all night.

So in the morning I drew my line, and it probably wasn't too well thought out. I told her that right now "we are living in different worlds and I and the kids cannot move to her world that doesn't have the same values that we used to believe in." She "seems to want to keep me around just to keep the family under one roof." "I can not live in an open marriage."

She said that she also "cannot live in an open marriage either and wasn't built to be the other woman" (meaning she was trying to convince me that's not what we have).

I said that is exactly what we have right now and if it continues, I will have to move forward (she knows that I have researched D and apartments, etc.)

I also told her that I knew she was still texting and e-mailing him a lot. She doesn't deny these things when I told her (She really has never done that)

I wasn't looking for a reaction with any of this, but finally felt that I needed to state this.

nothing but silence after that - and she left.

Later she came back and said that she is trying so hard to change things and get things back on track. She's had a rough week and a rough couple months with it and it's a process.

I am confused and angry again. I am trying to detach. I am trying to be patient. She knows that I am at my wits end, but I don't know if she believes I will go through with it.

I think she is trying to get on track, but I am probably just forcing myself to be naive.

I want to be me again.

So now - I will detach and observe. She will hide better so I will not know what she is doing. She won't tell me anything. And I will wait. (Yikes)