Dealing with WAW part 5

[pilot]

I just had a very long and interesting talk with a couple who are greats friends of mine. The guy and I have been close friends for years. He recently remarried. She was a classic WAW from her first marriage, and it was extremely interesting to listen to her talk about her M and how it fell apart. Also it was really interesting to hear her perspective on what she was thinking the entire time and her mindset. Even after she said something 'clicked' and she was done, she still held out hope that he would change and they could work things out.

She had a really rough marriage for years, and during that time she said she tried and tried to make things work out. And after years of threatening D, she finally filed and proceeded. While she was talking about this, she was offering advice on what she thought I should do in my M. Some of it seemed to conflict with what I would say is proper DBing. And I challenged her on part of it. She thought I should call my W tomorrow and let her know I wanted to work on our M. This was after I updated her on the entire story since we have been back. Things I have done, right and wrong. Things with LF which she then said I was sending all the wrong signals to W by doing that. At any rate, I challenged her and said when you were 'done' and checked out with your H, and your D was proceeding, and he called you up and said lets have lunch and talk about working on our M, what would you have said to him? She said she would have gone. She said she was hoping all along he would change for the better, but she never saw it from him. She said if she thought he was willing to work on changing and work on the problems they had, she would have jumped at the chance. Because in reality, she did not want a D, but she was at her wits end and did not want to continue life the way she had been living.

In a lot of ways, our M stories were similar. In other ways not so. We did not share the history of conflict they did. But we did share the history of financial downfall, along with his seeming lack of effort to correct it in her eyes. He would go off and spend his time fishing (like I did) and what not.

There are many more things we talked about, but this one really stuck out to me...her saying I need to let her know that I still want to work on our relationship. And it is funny it comes at this time because this morning I was rereading my entire posting history (no where near finished yet) and I was reading where 25 said this in reference to a post I made about how I was pretty firm about things being over right before our S began.

I just had a long deep conversation with someone in this position (your wife's) and she told me that in her opinion, "too much water under the bridge" and that her h would "never forgive me,so there's no point in trying to come back".

I still have yet to talk to a DB coach, and suspect I will this week. I will definitely bring this up.

For what its worth, a couple months after original BD (last Sept.) my W and I were trying to work things out. We went to their house during one of our visits here. My friend said to her H after we left that she thinks my W has checked out. Funny she would say that because during talks this past May before our S began, she admitted that after original BD, she never gave us a chance.

She also cannot figure out why my W has not served me yet, and does not buy the 'to save my feelings' angle. She did give me a bunch of 2x4s for some of the things I have done over the summer..especially regarding LF.