New here, my fairytale gone wrong

[fthnluv]

I hate to bring this up, but I feel you deserve to know. When he says there's no OW? In a man who was depressed, had to move to another state to work, lives with a newly divorced guy, lost weight, worked out, stopped sleeping with you, was religious but hasn't tried marriage counseling with you..........I've been here a very long time and I'll tell you, the odds that he DOESN'T have an OW (or OM?)are very very slim to none.

Yes, he says there is no OW but, obviously, I would be completely in the dark if there was and he was lying. I have no evidence of someone else but if there is not a PA or EA at this time I feel fairly confident that there's at least some interest in someone else. He no longer lives with the newly divorced guy (hasn't in about 9 months) and really has no contact that I know of with him. He mostly lives alone but works between PA and IL these days and when he is in PA he has a great, family guy who he shares the apartment with. This guy we have known for 15+ years and he is married and (as far as I can tell) is a wonderful man. I will say that my gut is telling me there is or soon will be someone else.

Snooping is not generally advised (because it interferes with our ability to do the things we need to do to work on ourselves and our behaviors) but I think in cases like this it is important for you to know whether an OW/OM is being hidden from you. You may or may not choose to tell him what you know if you find out (sometimes it's a better strategy not to let on you know at first) but you do need to know.

So check his cell phone records if you can (hundreds of texts to the same number, especially late at night? Multiple calls to the same number starting back around when things started to go south?) Check his credit card bills (lots of dinners for two at nice restaurants on Friday or Saturday nights? Unexplained weekend hotel bills at swanky resorts?). New female friends on Facebook that seem suspicious, around the time things started to change? DON'T ask him to "explain" charges - be discreet, he'll be mad about you snooping and he'll continue to deny but he'll block your access. I'm betting, though, if you bother to take a look, you'll see a pattern.

Unfortunately, the nature of his business has forced him to get his own bank accounts and cell phones from that area. He no longer uses the cell phone that he had when he left. I have no access to either thing. He does his own bills there and deposits $ online to our joint account here. Because he is self employed he had to get a business account in that name, back in PA and I am not on that. I have told him that if he proceeds to go forward with D and does not want me to have a lawyer look into "our" finances and such that he needs to turn over all his user names and passwords for his bank accounts and cell phone and I will do the research. To date, he has not done that. I have considered putting a spy program on his cell phone (when he has been home and I could get to it, to date he hasn't had it locked with a password) but I felt that was crossing a line I was uncomfortable with. Not sure if I would have this opportunity again when he comes home in 2 weeks.

To be honest, since I believe sincerely he is in MLC I kind of hope there IS OW because it feels like one of the steps most MLCers do and I just want him to get past it...

I am reading the DR book now and just signed up for coaching sessions. My situation is very unusual, I know. Funny thing is, it is still so nice and polite between us it's almost eery, I keep saying to myself "why are we getting divorced again?".