New here, my fairytale gone wrong

[fthnluv]

Thank you all so much for your replies. I missed them because I don't have notifications turned on and I didn't even know you all could see them yet!

A few things have happened since I posted, I will copy them from my journal to here for you to advise me on:

From a few days ago: I haven't told many people that H is wanting a divorce, I guess because I am hoping he changes his mind before that all goes down and I can spare him (and me) from having to explain and talk about it afterwards. He doesn't care what anyone thinks, he says.

I spoke to him last night and told him that God had laid it on my heart that I needed to truly apologize for the part I've played in his hurt heart. Now I'm wondering if that was another desperate attempt at begging/pleading or trying to see that I am willing to take responsibility or repair things between us. I know that I was hoping that he would say "don't worry about it, I forgive you and I am reconsidering my decision to D" but he didn't. He did say he has already forgiven me for anything I have said to hurt him. I'm not sure there is much to forgive but we all make mistakes and say things out of hurt, desperation and anger that we regret. I find myself beating myself up for some of the few things I've said that I believe may have pushed him further away.


Then, from this past Thursday: Had a little better (and worse) day today. I spoke to H about his upcoming trip back "home" in a couple of weeks. The last time we discussed it he said he wanted to "act" like a family and all (we and the kids) be here together. I asked him if he still wanted that today and he said that, no, he wanted to spend the time with just the kids at my MIL's house. I knew that would be a good possibility so I had a backup plan and when he said he did not want to spend the time together I informed him of the dates I needed him to be home and that I have booked a last minute cruise with other women who support me in my family. He seemed a little shocked that that might not work as well as the "plans" he had in his head (I think he was thinking he would come in the following weekend but I want to leave it the weekend of the 20th because we had already discussed it in addition to the fact that it is our 23y T and 19y M anniversary and I need to be having fun on it), I ignored that as he said he would "make it work".

I had to laugh a little inside as I informed him that he could not be spending the whole time at his MIL's because he would be responsible for getting 2 of our 3 kids to school on the Friday and Monday I will be cruising. Ha! That will be interesting, he hasn't done that EVER. Welcome to the world you are choosing, H. A world where I do not have to consider what you want or need and where I get to call the shots when it comes to our kids. I would NEVER use them as a weapon but I think the reality of raising these kids, even for only the 5-7 days a month that he's "home", will show him something he needs to see.


And Friday: No sobbing today. Actually had a decent day much of the day. Did not hear from H at all. I guess this will be my new normal. It seems that the possiblity of "going dark" might be something I need to look into. How does that even work with kids and a mostly amicable relationship anyway? We only ever get tense if I bring up our M.

I do have a new concern today: It occurred to me that H has been known in the past 20+ years to cut someone completely off when he feels they have wronged him in some way. This can go on forever. There are people that he was very close to that he, literally, will never speak to again. This has me wondering if the chances of a reconciliation once he is done with MLC are lower. Do they really see the light and realize they were wrong all along? Am I wasting my time in working on trying to stay standing until he comes to his senses? I know much of this needs to be done for me anyway but I guess I want to let go with no wishing that he will come back if that is the likely way it will go.

Also, I am reconsidering our agreement to talk in person when he comes back "home" in 2 weeks. Of course my desire is for him to tell me exactly what he wants and envisions this to look like and, though I have no hope he will change his mind yet, I just wonder if that talk should happen at all or if it will just push him further away. Of course, since we share 3 young kids, we will always have contact so we must work some of the issues in regards to their support (and mine) so maybe I should just keep it to that.

From later Friday: Not sure what to take of my convo today with H. We have some tax issues that need to be resolved and I texted him to ask how he wants to handle it. He called and asked me to do some paperwork to which I replied that I will, acting as his W, but it's not really fair to me to do all this work for him. I asked him if he would reconsider filing for D and putting that whole decision on hold for a while longer to handle this and all the other logistical stuff that comes along with it. I told him it is best for everyone to give this some more time before making a decision or filing. He told me that I gave him a lot to "wrap his head" around which I count as a possible win, it's much better than "no" so I'll take it but I'm also trying not to put much stock into it because I know he could still be full-steam ahead with a D.

My faith has been shaken in the last 24 hours too because he has been known to stay hard-hearted to someone in the past and I fear that is me now. I'm still deciding on how deep our face to face convo in 2 weeks will be too.


Sorry so long. Any advice, input and tips are greatly appreciated.