Wife Declares She is a Lesbian

[25yearsmlc]

I'm going through the exact same thing, but we've "only" been married for 16 years. WW just up and left one day. Later I discover she's having an affair with a woman. My WW has filed for D, but I'm hoping she'll come to her senses before it's final.

If she had just come to me one day and said she was no longer attracted to me or men in general, I would have given up right then and there. The thing is, she's following the wayward script to a "T." She's behaving like a woman in an affair, not a woman who's discovered she's a lesbian, so I've been approaching this like a regular affair.

Seems to me, if we want to DB, there's no real choice but to treat it like an A, is there? I mean, what are you supposed to do, say "Oh NOW I see that the marriage was a sham and you were 'faking' it all this time. See ya!"

OF course after a long straight marriage, a sudden announcement is going to warrant some scrutiny (as opposed to her marrying you, and TELLING you then, that she was also attracted to women, in which case I guess you both took the chance and it did not pan out over the long run).

Also, since my d is gay and talks of "repressed women" enough, I'll say this. [/i]ALL of us '"REPRESS" When we choose to enter a monogamous R.
We repress our urge to have sex with other attractive co workers, etc.

IF you are gay or straight AND MARRIED, you don't get to chase everyone you find attractive. it's called fidelity.

And marriage (usually) requires it, regardless of sexual orientation. So the idea that "now" your wife can be free to express her love is somehow different,

isn't true. If she is "in love" with OW, she'll eventually need to decide to "repress" her attractions to others, just as we all learned to do the same.

Also, parts of the lesbian community can turn some of the experimenters away f they are anti male too much, or too militant. NOT all are. My gay d is very close to our son, who is straight.
[i]
But IF your wife is in an experimental phase, give her some time to work it out. IF it takes too long for you, hey, I understand. No judgement here.

But don't be surprised if she tells someone a few years down the road, that she was "in a fog"....as I described in my first post on this thread, I have met and known women over decades, who have experienced this. SOME ARE GAY, to be sure. But some are not, as it turns out.

But those who married men and were genuinely happy for years, well - I have a hard time believing they are "Gay". They may want to explore their bisexuality and that may be too much for a man to handle (it'd be darn hard for ME to handle it if my h said the same thing).

But am I off base to suggest that there seems to be a LOT more experimenting on the female side than the males? When I hear of girls/women dating other women, it's not nearly as "final" as it seems to be when a man explores sex with another man.

I THINK I read that in one of my "Parents of Gays' books, but I could have read it elsewhere. Just thought I'd mention that.

Hang in there Essjay....and hug your d's. Make sure they know men DO express tender love, on the off chance they don't already know it.

Also I missed your wife's "grievance" list. What were her complaints about you and which ones of those, do you think had some/a little/a lot of validity?

IOW what do you want to work on? Seems to me that is your FOCUS.


And btw, I'm curious. IF She were to come back and tell you she was "batchit nuts" and wants back into the marriage,

would it be easier or harder for you to forgive, than if the A were with OM?

(And I'm acting as if there is an affair, NOT b/c I think there is, but out of curiosity for the hypothetical.

Just want to see if you think you would feel differently if she were with a man, versus a woman). Any insights there?

I have no opinion on likelihood, just curious. And now, back to YOU.

What are the GAL and 180s? And could you also shed some light on Her parents marriage and the abuse she claims to now recall?

I defended child sex offenders (hey, I was ordered to!) But I found some "victims" are not telling the truth AND YET some of them believe they are!

Oh Sure, there are vindictive ex wives who coach their kids, but some are women who enter therapy and find "recovered memories" and it has been debunked to a large extent. Later on they recant.

These memories are less and less admissible in some courts b/c the tend to lack credibility. No, I would NOT tell her that. But I'd also want to explore how "real" those experiences are to her, and to reality.

What matters most now is HER perception, but it sure would be nice if it jived with reality.

Re te websites urging her to leave you, well most websites about dating have some forums that are for the "casual meet ups" ---which is code for "still married", as far as I can tell.

Yes, a lot of our pain is self inflcted by other couples. And when a woman dates a married man I always feel disappointed in HER as well as the man. Like how could a woman do that to another woman? Same applies here.

How can women encourage a MOTHER to leave her family, (in a non abusive marriage,) to pursue an A with anyone, male or female, without really examining her motives and reasons?

My daughter immediately suggested therapy for your wife but I informed her that your w declined. To which my 25 y/o gay daughter said, "well, that stinks".

Hang in there! Like the Pope says, You are not alone and you are loved!