Maybell XI

[Maybell]

This morning as I was getting ready for church I let my brain roam free and a sentence I read about separation in cases of infidelity being useful for helping the injured party heal. And I realized I had never really taken the time to do that. I went into panic mode after I found out, and then I went into fix-it mode, and as much as I said I did, I really never came out of that mode. I've been in fix-it mode for fourteen months now, and have achieved only some success, and it was demoralizing. On top of that deep wound of the affair and all the lying.

So I'm not calling it letting go. I've lost so much it's hard for me to think of voluntarily letting go as anything other than just bowing to outside forces. So I'm stepping back to heal for a while. I'm taking that action to gain something, rather than just to acknowledge a loss that has already occurred.

It was nice to have that realization. Because right after that I got a couple of texts from H... and I didn't feel like I wanted to deal with him. He even was friendly (ish) and I didn't grab onto it like I usually have been doing. I'm stepping back to heal. And it's kind of a relief. Also impossible to argue with if I feel like I need to tell him specifically if he starts inviting me out again. It will be a while before I accept any invitations. I'm stepping back to heal.

You made a statement earlier to the effect that your son hurt you because he didn't want to talk to your H, is that what you meant?

One of the things I've really been trying to be aware of is how much my children struggle with my H's choices. To the extent I can, I'd like to be able to mitigate that. Of course, my ability to protect them that way is pretty limited, but it still hurts when I see them drawing away from him. I feel like I made them a promise when they were born, that they would have a certain kind of family and a certain kind of childhood and that I'd do my best for them.

I'm realizing that I'm limited in my ability to keep that promise. I've revised it to promise as best I can to give them the skills to deal with difficult people in their life, including me and their father. I can't do that if I'm behaving dysfunctionally myself.

Thank you for sharing so much helpful information with me. I'm slow to process, but it gets in eventually. I'm getting there.

I'm stepping back to heal. I look forward to how that will feel.