I am the prize

[daring]

Thanks Ggrass- clearly I need some help in rembering I can't fix it and can't take any comfortable interactions as a sign that we are progressing.

D13s birthday was good overall. H and I had distant and weird interactions, partially because I was feeling distant.

This was my journaling yesterday:

I am so angry today! Ever since his reaction the other day to my getting emotional and my realization of the fact that I have worked my arse off and put so much into all of this and he can't even begin to have compassion for me, I have been irritable.
I hate it b/c I'm irritable with the kids and pushing them away, irritable with H and feeling very inadequate and down on myself.
Today him coming over and launching into finances really caught me off guard too. Sent my mood worse. He asked earlier if I was ok and I said no- told him the impromptu finances stressed me. He apologized saying the apartment issue ( he's been denied b/c of some old bill none of us recognize) and this leftover bill made him think his dad was using credit again and he got stressed too. ( finances are one of his issues, H's dad gambled and often there was no money for food or utilities. His dad also used his kids credit and even our sons to gain loans etc)

Also him bringing up melting pot as an option for for D13 birthday dinner like we did last year really got to me too. B/c next day was BD. And the days before it when D13 and I were in Colorado were hurtful the way he was ignoring me.
Maybe I focused so much on myself in the beginning if this and what I did wrong or needed to work on that I haven't processed all the crap he did.....
Was thinking at mall today all the clues through the years about him needing to work through things- the " disappearing" money early on that was supposedly for a dress that never materialized, hiding going to a movie from me and lying about it, the one night affair with our friend, the porn, the off and on money irresponsibility, the emotional affair and abandonment, and here we are......
What should I do next to help heal? And how do I say I need him to not be around as much when I do want this M to eventually work but right now I need way more space than I even did last week. And is it b/c I took too many steps back with the BBQ on Labor Day or is this a natural part of the process and I just got overwhelmed by the amount of processing that's occurring???

I'm not in a good place emotionally this weekend. I think I might be having a depressive episode. Time to regroup, exercise a lot, eat well, read, connect with kids and reclaim my seal esteem.
I can do that in a week, right??? B/c 1yr BD is a week from today and I do not want to be an emotional mess!