mlc rut

[pbetra]

Thx Matt,

Reading your reply w/ a 'cuppa joe.' I needed a smack of reality & msg w/'good sense'.

>>>when the MLCer is still at home .. My W became very depressed about 7-8 years ago.<<
I don't know how you did it! Really! The MLcer is so toxic, it's living with the toxins all the time (which is eventually going to make you sick).

I rationalize, read the advice etc - tell myself - Anger is like poison & expecting the other person to die -'stuff'/self talk like that, deep breaths, keep the PMA going ... but, oh my God, it's so exhausting when you don't have space from it. Like you, I have to manage tight financial sitch. I think that if my funds were in better shape that I would feel better, more secure & of course $$ gives freedom to occasionally escape from day to day activity. The financial strain is killing me these days Matt. Sometimes I get scared - that's another set of thoughts that I must fight or else they woudl 'cripple' me. It's nice out, so I may do my flowers - thye're always bright (!!) aromatic ... & they're good 'listeners' too! They never interrupt

>>felt badly and "made up" with me later. In other words, she recognized that she was acting out, blaming the wrong thing for her bad feelings.<<
I have witnessed this - sometimes it's real, other times, it's an act. He's good. Knows the honey/vinegar application & techniques. All a nest of lies & 'theatre' - this illness. In one of the homework threads - can't think now (but will try to locate for ref. (amyc, braveheart?!!), the discussion centered around if MLC is mental illness or not. The writer believed that it was not, b/c the MLCer functions etc. Well, I no expert ... mental illness is VERY broad since the psyche, the mind is so complex. I look at H & do feel that it IS mental illness that we are bombarded with. These are not the behaviours of mentally stable people. So what if they function in other ways? Even Ted Bundy had friends, had a job ... & "Ted" was 'real sick'!

>>During these times I felt ready to just quit (not always but a person can only take so much). But I knew she wouldn't be able to care for herself. That she didn't have a job or income and I couldn't leave her like that. It went against everything I always stood for, who I was as a person. I have NEVER regretted this, even now that my W has left me when I needed her income more than I ever have in the 21 years we were married (really the only time) and filed for D.<<
Am listening.

>>She left me with no money (actually a negative balance in checking account), didn't care a bit about what she was doing to her D's or me (still doesn't).<<
Such a 'sweetheart'!!!

It's really complex this illness. re your post - They KNOW what they're doing is wrong sometimes, feel the guilt, may try to compensate ... I am fascinated, must admit. What a chaotic 'soup' of 'conscience' action, guilt ...behaviour, brain networks/connections & chemistry have gone haywire ... Now my own networks are running away w/me ... so I'll shut it !

>>Still, I know that I did the right thing by not just leaving her on her own back then.<<
I know you're right Matt, I do. Thx for reinforcing. So nice to hear the voice of reason, when your mind is filled with 'none'(!!), during toxic moments like these.

>>All I'm saying is be careful that you don't loose yourself and your values in reaction to what your H is doing. There may come a point where the right thing for you to do is just go and leave him to take care of himself.<<

This would would be great. It's hard to heal with the 'problem illness/toxin' all around, but time + detachment = insulation from MLCer is the formula around here! The other issue is that this is MY family property. It isn't much - in need of good reno but mortgage paid for etc. My father had set up account for me years ago (to get me started). When online banking became a reality, I put what I could (which was 'sporadic' & not much - but that's what we live on now. Health expenses paid from parents 'health related savings & can't be touched! While at my family property, I do it all - physical work (indoor & out), I pay all bills).

This is one of the 'best case scenarios' of cake eating at it's finest & doormating at it's best! I often feel stuck! I hope that he gets enough income to make it on his own SOON. I can't think. I want to 'breathe', clear my head, further my plans & move FORWARD. It's hard with the constant cake eating, diminishing funds, intrusion of MLC madness & debilitating fatigue that I experience some days. The other day was one of my lowest after gallant efforts to deal with this for the last few months.

My old home is now 'new' to me b/c so much has changed in comp. to when I was a little kid! It seemed good to move here b/c 1 - we had place to move to, 2 - parent (we were close to) had also suggested we come back to not be alone (life was getting harder alone as elderly person (bad things/security concerns accidents were happening w/senile dementia .. many in kitchen!). 3 - h had friend here advising him that work sitch was much better than where we were & encouraged him to start networking. There was no more opp. where we were), so we 'pooled' our resources as a family. We were all close anyway (hard to imagine that now!). All that was vaguely familiar to me had changed, including the few connections/friends my family had. It was like a foreign country. People moved on & out. It's strange but socially it worked out more for him - starting with 'friends of the friend'. I was alone here, with MLC in my future to contend with. I am alone with all *3 dependents ... financially & concerning caring/home keeping (*dependents: a parent, a child & my 'teen' MLCer).

>>Make sure that you have truly reached that point before you do something that you may regret later. Believe me, I just had a bout with thinking that maybe I should be "playing hardball" with my W (had some people I work with tell me that is what I should be doing and for a moment I started to question myself) so I get where you are at right now. Just be sure that you don't do something you may look back on and wish you hadn't!<<

Thx Matt, I know you are right. We really have to be mindful of what we do NOW b/c of 'consequences' (?) 10 yrs away ... 5, even a few months. The concscience (re: those who still have one) is a funny thing. Intentions, plans & actions find 'little cubbies' to reside in for a while, and when the host, 'us' is totally relaxed & going about life, the consequences for those actions emerge from their many hiding places. Who are we running from? We can't run from our conscience if we did something to cause the horrible demise of another. The MLCer can't run from themselves (part of their problem) they can run from us, but cannot escape themselves. With guilt we could experience the same I suppose. Again, my mother would support your advice b/c at the end of the day, I have to live WITH MYSELF!
Oh Ooooo no how much longer?!)

>>Hang in there. I hate to see you hurting so much. I understand how hard GALing is when low on funds...I'm in that spot right now myself, but try and find some things to do to get out and be with other people, away from H's craziness even for just a bit. It will really help.<<

Am hanging Matt! Haaaaa n g ing I know if there is anyone who can relate to the financial strain in 'this mix', it's you. I appreciate this really. When the sitch is a little stiffling, it's great to read objective feedback 'independent of self.' Thx again - will e-see you at your thread later today. I realize that a lot has happened but need to complete reading before any reply of course.

Have a good day to you as well Matt, pb